The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
 
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million pounds, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a private jet to travel around the world, a Platinum Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”.
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behaviour of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
“And you, Susie? ” the teacher asks.
Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”
 
Two Helium atoms were telling each other jokes.



He He.

:coat:
 
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Not seen here for a while (must have headed South...)
 
Always to hand when I tell old jokes!
 
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Bedroom Golf Rules

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment. Normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the CLUB in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict shaft length so not to damage the hole(s).

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be their private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.

12. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find an alternate means of play when this occurs.

13. Players are strongly encouraged to obtain permission before playing the Back Nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a faster pace, at least temporarily, at the owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance; time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
 
Tech Support : Hello. How may I help you?

Male Customer : Hi . . . I can't print.

Tech Support : Would you click on 'START' for me and . . ..

Customer : Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me. I'm not Billi Gates!!!

Tech Support : Thank you Mister Abbott
 
Sweary. (Don't think I've already posted this one but might have.)

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Fairly sure I haven't posted this one yet.

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Which year? :p
 
Not a bad bass line either...
 
Not convinced I've seen this on here.

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Proof that there are no gods?
 
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