The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?”
“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...”
 
GIVE ‘EM THE PUNCHLINE FIRST!

How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
 
Apologies, distasteful joke and I've deleted it.
 
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A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
 
Maybe off-topic as not really a joke, it’s a news item:

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Showing that people filming events with their phones & tablets are really re-enacting Ancient Greek fire-walking rituals .

www.nytimes.com

Glimpses of an Ancient Fire-Walking Ritual in Northern Greece (Published 2021)

Each May in the small Greek village of Lagadas, a group of celebrants upholds a three-day tradition that incorporates a range of age-old rites.
www.nytimes.com www.nytimes.com
 
A Nazi walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!"

Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi's direction.

The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew".

The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving.

Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"

The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar."
 
The Nazis invade a small French town but find it totally deserted apart from a pig. An SS officer walks over to the pig and says "Where is everyone?". The pig says "I don't know". The SS officer says "I will ask you again... WHERE IS EVERYONE?". The pig grunts and says "I don't know!". The SS officer leans over to the pig and says "You had better tell me now.... as we have ways of making you pork!".

:coat:
 
In the light of the EU vaccine roll out debacle and the French attacks about the UK vaccine roll-out, Boris Johnson decided to give President Macron a call, just for fun, and so left a message on Macron's answer phone in German. Sometime later Macron returned the call and informed Boris that he could not speak German, to which Boris replied, "who do you think you have to thank for that then?"
 
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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.
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We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from London and will fly to New York where we'll have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht. Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth in Maine, returning to New York for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.
 
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