The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

MAJOR MOTOR MERGER

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases but say that the paint may just make it look bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome!
 
An angry wife called her husband on phone: “Where the hell are you?”
Husband: “Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”
Wife, with a smile and blushing: “Yeah I remember that my love!”
Husband: “Well, I’m in the pub just next to that shop.”
 
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so

I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
 
Santa is on his sleigh, Rudolph turned round and says to Santa, as you don’t have GPS how do you know where we are on the planet. Santa says to Rudolph, easy I just put my hand outside of the sleigh and the temperature will tell me where we are, so Santa put his hand out of the sleigh and feels the temperature and he says it’s hot so we’re over northern India, Rudolph leads them down through the cloud and lo and behold they are over northern India. Wow that’s amazing says Rudolph, and takes the sleigh back above the cloud ,after a while Rudolph says again so where are we now Santa, Santa puts his hand out of the sleigh
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and says my hand is very cold we must be over the Antarctic, so Rudolf leads them down to the cloud and lo and behold they are over the Antarctic. Wow this is Rudolph that is amazing, after another short period of time Rudolph says okay then Santa where are we now, Santa put his arm out of the sleigh brings his arm back in and says Glasgow! How did you know it was Glasgow Santa says Rudolph, easy some b*****d just nicked my watch.
 
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