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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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The one here was white... And considerably larger than 4ft as weather balloons tend to be
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Gremlin
Houdini
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A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this.?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make £24,000 a year and you make £1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work.?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.... "Try doing it with the engine running!..
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make £24,000 a year and you make £1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work.?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.... "Try doing it with the engine running!..
Gremlin
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing'
What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence... One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered! ..
I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing'
What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence... One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered! ..
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In my line of work it's only Methylated spirits where alcohol is a solution. More commonly it's the solvent or a solute, and only the last of these options is possibly drinkable.
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OP
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An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed.
After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The AirBus pilot laughs and says:
"I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed.
After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The AirBus pilot laughs and says:
"I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
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