The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

After being married for 50 years, a man took a careful look at his wife one day and said, 'Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 29 year-old girl every night. Now, I have a £600,000 home, a £55,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but l'm sleeping with a 79year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'
His wife is a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 29-year-old girl and she would make sure that Ihe would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
 
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· Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?


· What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?


· If poison expires is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?


· Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?


· Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?


· Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.


· Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.


· The word “swims” upside-down and backwards is still "swims".


· Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, and scissors is just as hard as trying to win..


· 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.


· Your future self is watching you right now through memories.


· The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.


· If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.


· Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.


· If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.


· If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It does fall on a Tuesday)


· 100 years ago a Twenty Dollar bill and a Twenty Dollar gold piece were interchangeable. Either one would buy a new suit, new shoes and a night on the town. The Twenty Dollar gold piece will still do that.
 
ancient_mariner said:
· Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

In French, it is.

· The word “swims” upside-down and backwards is still "swims".

The answer to the top question.
Click to expand...
 
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding the bus in Brooklyn. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The bus driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Those're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the bus driver, answers "Yes."

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them grow up to be bus drivers."
 
· Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

In French, it is.

I am not unaware of this, but the French also call the letter Y i grec and J is gee.

· The word “swims” upside-down and backwards is still "swims".

The answer to the top question.

The answer to the top question is.....?
 
Last edited:
ancient_mariner said:


The answer to the top question is.....?
Click to expand...

The top question in my reply, not the original post as in:

Question A: Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

To which I replied --In French, it is.

Statement B: The word “swims” upside-down and backwards is still "swims".

The answer to Question A above as in if you turn up the m in swims it is a double 'U', not a double V.

This is getting far too complicated, let's move on. :)
 
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Meant to post this 10 days ago...

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I went into the butcher's today when over on the west coast of Scotland. The butcher was standing next to an electric fire, I thought nothing of it as it was a bit chilly.

I asked him: "Is that your Ayrshire bacon?" and the butcher says: "No, I'm just warming my hands".
 
an American gets off the plane at Dublin airport in Ireland. There on the edge or the tarmac is a trestle table with a white cloth covering it. as he looked he saw it was covered with human skulls . she he asken the Irishman behind the table whose skulls there were. Will said to the Irishman this one is the famous Paddy Murphy who saved the village from a terrible fire. This one is Michael O'flyn who saved a boy from drowning. And this one is St Patrick our patron saint of all Ireland.
So the American asked if they were for sale? sure they are said the Irishman and when asked the price of St Patrick's skull he went and bought it. The American took it home very proud of having a famous person's skull.

5 years later the American returned to the same airport and still there was the same table with skulls laid out on it. On asking whose skulls they were the Irishman said his one is the famous Paddy Murphy who saved the village from a terrible fire. This one is Michael O'flyn who saved a boy from drowning. And this one is St Patrick out patron saint of all Ireland.
But the american said 5 years ago I bought St Patrick skull, this one is a lot smaller.
Ah said the Irishman this one was from when he was a boy
 
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