*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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Was just walking home along the pavement and got sprayed by a snow plough.


"B*****d!" I said through gritted teeth.
 
a blind man goes into a bar and orders a drink
say he says does anyone want to hear a blonde joke
the bar person says..
hey i am a blonde and i have a baseball bat behind the counter and there are three blonde bikers over at a booth , and the waitress here is a karate expert..and a blonde
do you still want to tell that blonde joke
silence....thinks...
the blind man then spoke up
guess not














i dont want to explain it 5 times
 
the channel bridge

god says to a fellow
you havent been praying to me lately..
the chap says i have been busy
well says god dont leave it too late
ok the fellow says...i pray for a bridge over the english channel
what the heaven for says god
well i could make loads of cash charging people to cross
no no no says god thats not a real prayer...you should be praying for your family and friends
ok sorry old man....i pray that i am able to understand my wife when she talks to me and know exactly what she is meaning..
.
.
.
.
.
2 lanes or 4?
 
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I have my grandfather's gold watch, he sold it to me on his deathbed. I got the last laugh though, I paid him by cheque.
 
the first macdonalds drive-in in ireland went well for about a week and then they started hitting the tables
 
these two guys walked into a bar
one got concussion the other a black eye
 
Old Men...
I was in Tesco the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young man pushing his trolley.

I said to the young man, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young man says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young man says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts,
a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Most old men are helpful like that.
 
> The Startling Realization
>
> In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family
> member lay gravely ill.
>
> Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
>
> 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried
> faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
> transplant.
>
> It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.
> Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'
>
> The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time,
> someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'
>
> The doctor quickly responded,
> '£5,000 for a male brain; £200 for a female brain.'
>
> The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to'try' to not
> smile, avoiding eye contact with the women ..
>
> A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question
> everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female
> brain?'
>
> The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
> group,
> 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a
> lot lower because they've been used.'
 
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day...............
>
>
> When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
>
> Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
>
> When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
>
> Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
>
> Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
>
> Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
>
> The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
>
> And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
a group of tourists were standing around the map board of an ornamental garden
one of the group...an irishman..exclaimed...
how did they know i was coming...look it says 'you are here'
 
There's this Essex girl walking down the road when she comes across an old Irish fella putting on his wellington boots, she notices that they are labeled "L" & "R" respectively and promptly asks the old fella:

"Excuse me sir, But why are your wellington boots labeled "L" & "R"?

To which the old Irish fella replies:

"To be sure me darlin, The "L" stands for "Left" and the "R" stands for "Right" its so I don't put them on the wrong feet you see!

Oh! replies the Essex girl, must be why my knickers have "C & A" on them then!
 
hepburn said:
Oh! replies the Essex girl, must be why my knickers have "C & A" on them then!
Click to expand...

The old ones are the best ( or so they say :p)

Talking of old how are you you old git ? :D
 
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
 
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy,
> >>> he
> >>> occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', and this
> >>> happened to
> >>> be one of those occasions.
> >>>
> >>> Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a
> >>> picture
> >>> of the
> >>> Holy seed flying through the air.
> >>>
> >>> 'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy
> >>> the
> >>> reputation of the Church!'
> >>>
> >>> 'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be
> >>> financially
> >>> secure
> >>> for life with these photos!'
> >>>
> >>> So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer.. After much
> >>> negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.
> >>>
> >>> The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the
> >>> camera.
> >>>
> >>> Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
> >>>
> >>> Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That
> >>> looks
> >>> like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'
> >>>
> >>> Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... Two million Euros...'
> >>>
> >>> 'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They must have seen
> >>> you
> >>> coming.

:D
 
I went to this club the other night but the bouncers said I couldn't come in without a tie, so I went to the boot of my car and got a pair of jump leads, wrapped them around my neck and went back to the doormen.

"Can I come in now,' I said to the bouncers. They said, 'Yeah, but don't start anything'
 
In the accident Joe's dick is cut off, the company admits liability and pays out 40k in compensation.

Later that week Joe and his wife talking to the surgeon about getting a new penis

Right says the surgeon, 20k will get you a 4" penis, 30k will get you a 6" penis, the full 40k will get you a magnificent 8" penis, what do you think

Joe turns to his wife and says well, I quite fancy the idea of the 8" penis,what do you think.

She seems a little unsure so the surgeon says i'll give you some time to think about it

5 minutes later he comes back and asks if they've made a decision.



















Yes, we're getting a fitted kitchen
 
I would like to wish everyone ................A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR......................

I know im early, but I suffer from premature congratulation..
 
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

"I'm Tom Smith," he said.

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
 
image001111.jpg
 
You owe me a new keyboard Mark. That's hilarious :LOL:
 
Who is the coolest person in a hospital?
The ultra-sound guy.

Who takes over when he's on holiday?
The hip replacement Dr.

:coat:
 
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of
the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as
far away from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one
day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big,
bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles
over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I
can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some
fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with
people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these
parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been
alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I
wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be
the two of us."
 
A man went into an urologist & told him he was having a problem as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the
base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there
was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through
life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance
that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and
try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he
felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being
extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his
knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll
and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face
said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my arse'
 
Havent read through all the pages so hope its not been said.

2 cats race over the channel, one is french, one is english. Which one won?





The English one because the un deux trois quatre cinq !
 
Doc said:
A man went into an urologist & told him he was having a problem as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the
base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there
was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through
life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance
that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and
try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he
felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being
extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his
knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll
and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face
said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my arse'
Click to expand...

:LOL:
 
The insurance side of sex........
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust.
Sex with long-term partner - Standard Life.
Sex with your secretary - Employer's Liability.
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
Casual sex with different partners - Go Compare.
Sex with a lady boy - Confused. com.
 
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a Chemist shop and very carefully opened his sporran.

He then pulled out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolded it to reveal a smaller silk handkerchief which he also unfolded, revealing a condom which he handed across to the Chemist.

The Chemist held it up to the light to inspect it, noticing that it was 'well used' and had a number of patches on it.

''How much to repair it?'' The Scot asked the Chemist.

''Sixty pence'', said the Chemist.

''How much for a new one then?''

''A pound'', replied the Chemist.

The Scot then painstakingly folded the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaced it carefully in his sporran and marched smartly out of the door with his shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist heard a loud shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

Then the Scottish soldier marched back into the Chemist shop and with a big grin, addressed the Chemist.

"The regiment has taken a vote.....," he said,



".... and we'll have a new one."
 
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