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and please use their services
*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***
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ADVICE FROM A
RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Rob Brown. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Chris. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Chris to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the retirement benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I
mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong
points..
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the grass. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Chris. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will
consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S
NOTE:
Rob died suddenly on January 31 of a
perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a
Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up
his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge
hammer laying nearby. His wife Chris was arrested and
charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find
her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Rob, somehow without
looking, accidentally sat down on his golf
club.
RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Rob Brown. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Chris. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Chris to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the retirement benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I
mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong
points..
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the grass. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Chris. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will
consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S
NOTE:
Rob died suddenly on January 31 of a
perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a
Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up
his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge
hammer laying nearby. His wife Chris was arrested and
charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find
her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Rob, somehow without
looking, accidentally sat down on his golf
club.
D
Deleted member 29733
Guest
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked...
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "A couple of hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked...
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "I'm pretty busy about 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked..."How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half today."
The guy left. The barber turned to his assistant and said... "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy who just put his head around the door and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said..........."Your House! ".
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "A couple of hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked...
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "I'm pretty busy about 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked..."How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half today."
The guy left. The barber turned to his assistant and said... "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy who just put his head around the door and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said..........."Your House! ".
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them..
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them..
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "
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- Keith
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FAVOURITE FILM PREDICTOR!
This maths sequence can predict your all time favourite film. Mine was 'Star Wars', I'm not sure how it works but it does!
Pick a number from 1 to 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3 to that number.
Multiply by 3 again.
Add the two digits together.
When you have the answer, click HERE to find your all time favourite film.
This maths sequence can predict your all time favourite film. Mine was 'Star Wars', I'm not sure how it works but it does!
Pick a number from 1 to 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3 to that number.
Multiply by 3 again.
Add the two digits together.
When you have the answer, click HERE to find your all time favourite film.
D
Deleted member 29733
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WOW, mine was Star Wars as well, thats amazing.
My favourite film used to be star wars
but now it appears to be something to do with goats PMSL
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Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave
right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so
how would she know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and
crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go
with them.
"No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave
right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so
how would she know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and
crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go
with them.
"No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
- Messages
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- Name
- The real Chris
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F*** OFF !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F*** OFF !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
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- Tony
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I lasted less than a day in my new job as a supermarket greeter.A fat,ugly,loud,nasty woman walked in yelling at her kids.I did as I was supposed to and said good afternoon,welcome to the store.You have lovely children are they twins?She replied with hell no.one is 10 and the other is 7,you dumb **** why on earth would you think they were twins?Well I didn't think anyone would want to ****** you twice.That shut her up.
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- Leigh
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this is set back in the day before mobile phones
A woman was driving back from a business meeting one night, it was a long journey through winding lanes and countryside. Suddenly her car coughed and spluttered and eventually came to a stand still. She didn't have a clue about cars and looked around the darkness to see if she could see any houses for help.
She saw a small light on the horizon and set off to walk towards it. Eventually she arrived at an old farmhouse and knocked... an old lady answered and the woman told her of her car problem. Oh dear, said the lady... well you're welcome to stay here the night and we can get it fixed in the morning. Thank you so much said the woman.
She went inside and the lady fixed her some hot soup and a cuppa. The old lady then showed the woman upstairs to a bedroom... she said... you'll have to share a bed with my twin sons... but don't worry... they've never been away from the farm, they don't know anything about women!
Ok, said the woman, so she hopped into bed between the lads. A few hours went by and the woman was becoming a little horny... she nudged the lad to the left and said...'how do you fancy a little action of the flesh?'.... he said, i don't know what you're talking about. she said, no problem.. just put one of these on so i don't get pregnant and i'll do the rest.
A couple more hours passed and she was becoming aroused again... she nudged the lad to the right and whispered 'how do you fancy a little action of the flesh?'... he said, what you on about? she said, no problem, just put this on so i don't get pregnant and i'll do the rest.
Morning came and the woman left early and found a nearby garage, fixed her car and was gone.
About 3 weeks later the 2 lads were bailing hay in the fields when one lad shouted to the other... OY! remember that woman who stayed the other week... oh yeh, came the reply. Do you really care if she gets pregnant?
No... couldn't give a monkeys.
Neither could i... let's take these ****ing things off then!!
A woman was driving back from a business meeting one night, it was a long journey through winding lanes and countryside. Suddenly her car coughed and spluttered and eventually came to a stand still. She didn't have a clue about cars and looked around the darkness to see if she could see any houses for help.
She saw a small light on the horizon and set off to walk towards it. Eventually she arrived at an old farmhouse and knocked... an old lady answered and the woman told her of her car problem. Oh dear, said the lady... well you're welcome to stay here the night and we can get it fixed in the morning. Thank you so much said the woman.
She went inside and the lady fixed her some hot soup and a cuppa. The old lady then showed the woman upstairs to a bedroom... she said... you'll have to share a bed with my twin sons... but don't worry... they've never been away from the farm, they don't know anything about women!
Ok, said the woman, so she hopped into bed between the lads. A few hours went by and the woman was becoming a little horny... she nudged the lad to the left and said...'how do you fancy a little action of the flesh?'.... he said, i don't know what you're talking about. she said, no problem.. just put one of these on so i don't get pregnant and i'll do the rest.
A couple more hours passed and she was becoming aroused again... she nudged the lad to the right and whispered 'how do you fancy a little action of the flesh?'... he said, what you on about? she said, no problem, just put this on so i don't get pregnant and i'll do the rest.
Morning came and the woman left early and found a nearby garage, fixed her car and was gone.
About 3 weeks later the 2 lads were bailing hay in the fields when one lad shouted to the other... OY! remember that woman who stayed the other week... oh yeh, came the reply. Do you really care if she gets pregnant?
No... couldn't give a monkeys.
Neither could i... let's take these ****ing things off then!!
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- Steve
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Mary had a little skirt split right up both sides
every time she wore the skirt the boys could see her thighs,
she also had a little skirt split right up the front
she never wore that one....
every time she wore the skirt the boys could see her thighs,
she also had a little skirt split right up the front
she never wore that one....
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- Leigh
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my missus said she's fed up of me and can't take living with me any more. She said i'm just so immature and need to realise i'm a man with responsibilities.
She asked me if we can set aside just one evening to sit down and discuss the matter...
i said...'What? in the middle of conker season?'
She asked me if we can set aside just one evening to sit down and discuss the matter...
i said...'What? in the middle of conker season?'
The Man of The House
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The f***ing' funeral director would be my first guess.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The f***ing' funeral director would be my first guess.'
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A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
Old Fred had a farm worker all his life and he was tired out when he got home every day. He found he was no longer able to perform his marital duties.
He consulted his doctor who suggested a few remedies, but nothing worked.
In desperation went to a hypnotist who said "Yes, I can cure this with the power of suggestion."
"Great." Said Fred, "Get cracking."
The hypnotist put Fred to sleep and went to work.
After the session the hypnotist told Fred.
"You'll only be able to use this technique once a month."
"Tonight when you and your wife retire for the night, say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
"Remember, it will only work once a month."
"What do I do when it's over?"
"All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down.
Fred hurried home, as eager as when he was first married.
He was singing and whistling all evening, he spruced himself up, went to bed and waited to surprise his wife.
They were both in bed.
Fred thought, right, this is it, "123," and it worked like a charm.
Fred smiled as his wife turned over and looked at him.
"What did you say 123 for?"
He consulted his doctor who suggested a few remedies, but nothing worked.
In desperation went to a hypnotist who said "Yes, I can cure this with the power of suggestion."
"Great." Said Fred, "Get cracking."
The hypnotist put Fred to sleep and went to work.
After the session the hypnotist told Fred.
"You'll only be able to use this technique once a month."
"Tonight when you and your wife retire for the night, say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
"Remember, it will only work once a month."
"What do I do when it's over?"
"All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down.
Fred hurried home, as eager as when he was first married.
He was singing and whistling all evening, he spruced himself up, went to bed and waited to surprise his wife.
They were both in bed.
Fred thought, right, this is it, "123," and it worked like a charm.
Fred smiled as his wife turned over and looked at him.
"What did you say 123 for?"
DorsetDude
Spud
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I entered the UK erection championships last week. Got as far as the semi's
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- Tom
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He held me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room. I had never been there but I knew this was his room. I knew what he was going to do to me, and I knew I was going to let him. The door closed quietly and we were alone.
He approached silently from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and caressing upward along my tender calves slowly and steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved under my skirt to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. His knowing fingers continued upward across my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, his teasing hands quickly moved to my shoulders and slid down my tingling spine. My entire body was throbbing when he discovered my pink, lace thong.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. "This is a man," I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say...
"Okay all done. Here's your purse, ma'am. Have a nice flight."
He approached silently from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and caressing upward along my tender calves slowly and steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved under my skirt to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. His knowing fingers continued upward across my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, his teasing hands quickly moved to my shoulders and slid down my tingling spine. My entire body was throbbing when he discovered my pink, lace thong.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. "This is a man," I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say...
"Okay all done. Here's your purse, ma'am. Have a nice flight."
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- Andrew
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SCOTTISH LOVE STORY
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort,
gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.. Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven,
for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that
he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone
at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .......
‘**** off’ she said, ‘they're for the funeral.’
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort,
gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.. Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven,
for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that
he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone
at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .......
‘**** off’ she said, ‘they're for the funeral.’
- Messages
- 45
- Name
- ray
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her;
'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'m
Her mother reassured her;
'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'m
- Messages
- 1,233
- Edit My Images
- No
A farmer named Bill was overseeing his stock in a remote mountainous pasture in Cumbria when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as he stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of Parliament for the British Government", says Bill.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep...
Now give me back my dog.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as he stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of Parliament for the British Government", says Bill.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep...
Now give me back my dog.
- Messages
- 393
- Name
- Mick
- Edit My Images
- Yes
ADVICE FROM A
RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Rob Brown. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Chris. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Chris to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the retirement benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I
mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong
points..
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the grass. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Chris. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will
consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S
NOTE:
Rob died suddenly on January 31 of a
perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a
Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up
his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge
hammer laying nearby. His wife Chris was arrested and
charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find
her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Rob, somehow without
looking, accidentally sat down on his golf
club.
RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Rob Brown. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Chris. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Chris to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the retirement benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I
mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong
points..
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the grass. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Chris. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will
consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S
NOTE:
Rob died suddenly on January 31 of a
perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a
Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up
his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge
hammer laying nearby. His wife Chris was arrested and
charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find
her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Rob, somehow without
looking, accidentally sat down on his golf
club.
Last edited:
- Messages
- 393
- Name
- Mick
- Edit My Images
- Yes
oops.
It's been one of those days
- Messages
- 408
- Name
- Andy
- Edit My Images
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After crying laughing, nearly spraying my coffee over the laptop, I feel I finally have something to add
Three rules of getting old (for men)
1. Never pass a public toilet
2. Never waste an erection
3. Never, never, NEVER trust a fart
I thank you....
Three rules of getting old (for men)
1. Never pass a public toilet
2. Never waste an erection
3. Never, never, NEVER trust a fart
I thank you....
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