*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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a man has been found dead in a south african whore house.
he was wearing an england shirt, womens knickers,fishnet stockings and a blow up doll attached to his penis.

police have removed the england shirt to save his family any embarassment.
 
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David Blane is said to be really hacked off because his record of doing "f@#& all in a box for 43 days has been broken by Wayne Rooney!! :dummy:
 
Fabio capello has arranged a match with Iceland to try and cheer the England fans up,


and if they win that they go on to play Tesco and Sainsburys! :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

.
 
My wife just told me gavin from Autoglass called round today and injected his special resin in her crack..............................She hasnt even got a car.
 
as it's my birthday I think I am entitled to one last England joke.

What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag?:thinking:










The tea bag stays in the cup longer.:LOL:
 
A bloke goes into a pet shop - lured in by a notice in the window Talking centipede for sale :eek: Amazed he could not resits - so he goes in and asked the assistant what was the score - the assistant gets the manager and the deal is done...........£5000 seemed a lot but deep down Burt knew it was worth it!


He arrived home and promptly opened the lid on the box...........There it was a Centipede, Burt drew breath and said - Fancy going for a pint............

No answer............? feeling sick he had been robbed he slumped into his chair:cautious:


Burt was indeed upset by this thought and decided to give it one more try.........Are you coming for a pint or what.............?





































































The little voice shouted back angrily - I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME - I'M JUST PUTTING MY SHOES ON....................................



:LOL::LOL::LOL:





:coat:
 
Northumbria police have put a £10K price tag on Raoul Moats head.

If he doesn't get caught by next Thursday it goes up to £20K...
making it a Raoul over.
 
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
 
The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to
consider
this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired
to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep
for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four
hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demandrd to know why the charge is so high.I told the
clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the
'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has
an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available
for us to use.'But we didn't use them," I said.''Well, they are here,
and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. " W e have the best entertainers from New
York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them,
and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,"But we didn't
use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this
cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you
$300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."



Don't mess with Senior Citizens
 
For my son's birthday we bought him and iPod, my daughter had an iPhone for hers and for my birthday I was thrilled to receive an iPad.
Thinking along the same lines, for my wife's birthday I got her an iRon.

And then the fight started.
 
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MORAL QUESTION

This test only has one question, but it's a very important
one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover
where you stand morally.


The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation
in which you will have to make a decision.


Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous.


Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each
line.



THE SITUATION:

You are in London There is chaos all around you caused by a
hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and
you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some
disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with
the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is......................................
It's Muslim Cleric Abu Hamza (with the hooked hand)
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:
You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic
Prize winning photo,documenting the death of one of the
country's most despised, evil and powerful men!


THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...








Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go
with the classic simplicity of black and white?
 
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My wife and I decided to commit suicide together, but strangely once she had killed herself things looked so much brighter.


My wife doesnt like my new aftershave "chloroform" she says it makes her sleepy and gives her a sore a*se.
 
The American Treasury wrote to the Queen
of England asking whether she had any
objection to them putting her portrait on their
new proposed Five Dollar Bill...............

She replied that she had no objection what so
ever as long as they gave permission for us to
use their President on our jam jars again.:LOL:
 
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Pittsburgh. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, &#8220;Man, I wish we had something to drink!&#8221; Jim says, &#8220;Me too, Ya know, I&#8217;ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a pretty good buzz on. Wanna try it?&#8221;

&#8220;Sure&#8221; says Bud. So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high test Jet A and get completely smashed.
drink.gif


The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. Infact he feels great! No hangover, no bad side effects, nothing!

Then the phone rings. It&#8217;s Jim, he says, &#8220;Hey, how do you feel this morning?&#8221;

Bud says, &#8220;I feel great. How about you?&#8221;

Jim says, &#8220;I feel great too. You don&#8217;t have a hangover do you?&#8221;

Bud says, &#8220;No, that jet A is great stuff&#8230;no hangover, nothing. We ought to drink it more often."

&#8220;Yeah, well there&#8217;s just one thing,&#8221; says Jim.

&#8220;What&#8217;s that?&#8221; replies Bud.

&#8220;Have you farted yet?&#8221; says Jim.

&#8220;No, why?&#8221; asks Bud.

&#8220;WELL DON&#8217;T!!!" says Jim, &#8220;I&#8217;m calling from Denver.&#8221;
 
Originally sent to me at work in 2001 an oldy but a goody apologies if already posted :LOL:

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife and
said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the
results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his
briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well,when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your
um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work."

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!
 
seashaker said:
[snip] "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!
Click to expand...

:LOL: That goes a long way to explaining Canon's market share! Love it. :)
 
A mother had 3 virgin daughters..

They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.




It said: 'Good till the last drop'.
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
And the card read: 'Rothmans'
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes,




And she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand .


Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing... Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '
Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.



The ad said:


'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'........................... Mum Fainted !
 
Few thoughts:-

Let's put all retired folk in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Justice for all we say.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 225,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...
Why don't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It creates a hostile work environment.
 
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
 
I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don't donate £2 a month then people in Africa will die.

I cant believe Greenpeace employ such violent people.....

:LOL:
 
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake.

He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's going' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing'?"

The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"What's that?", he asks.

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."
_________________________
 
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