The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

22195935_1489755781110402_417304164346190932_n.jpg
 
But the puns so far are the crème de la crème...
 
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish Baby
ir
boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new Baby
ir
can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks.... like I said, my boy's a typical Clare County Baby
ir
boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that 'typical Irish Baby
ir
that weighed 25 pounds' at birth? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised."
 
Kerry Archaeologist

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later the Irish Press reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his paddock in Ballybunion, Mick Kelly , a self-taught local archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely ****-all.
Mick has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless..."

Makes me feel really proud to be Irish.
 
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”
 
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers: “God bless
Mommy. God bless Daddy. God bless Grammy. GOODBYE Grampa.”
The father thought this strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day,
the Grandfather died.

About a month later the father heard his son saying his prayers again:
“God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. GOODBYE Grammy.” The next
day the grandmother died. The father was getting more than a little
worried.

Two weeks later the father again overheard his sons prayers.
“God Bless Mommy, GOODBYE Daddy."
That was enough to almost give him a heart attack.
He got up real early to avoid the traffic, stayed at work
through lunch and dinner.
Finally he went home after midnight relieved to be still alive.
He apologized to his wife for being late, saying he had a
very bad day at work.

“You think you had a bad day?” his wife yelled. “The postman dropped
dead on my doorstep this morning!”
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top