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and help to keep the site free for all
The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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- Jeff
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Ingrid I do love your selfies
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- Andy
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I didn't know Ingrid was a pussy. Which one?
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- dave
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I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong.......
I mean its not rocket surgery.
I mean its not rocket surgery.
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Gremlin
Houdini
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A man received the following text from his neighbour:
" I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn the autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife"
" I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn the autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife"
A New Metal has been added to Chemistry
Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
- Very Reactive
- Highly Unstable
- Possesses Strong Affinity towards Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards, Debit cards & Cheque books
- Money Reducing Agent
OCCURRENCE
Mostly found in front of the Mirror.
It's highly flammable when mixed with in-laws.
It has mixed properties when seated with parents.
Woe unto you if she sees you with any element similar to itself!
Please circulate to all "scientists"
Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
- Very Reactive
- Highly Unstable
- Possesses Strong Affinity towards Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards, Debit cards & Cheque books
- Money Reducing Agent
OCCURRENCE
Mostly found in front of the Mirror.
It's highly flammable when mixed with in-laws.
It has mixed properties when seated with parents.
Woe unto you if she sees you with any element similar to itself!
Please circulate to all "scientists"
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An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but his wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
...
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
The husband was falling asleep but his wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
...
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Steep
Nutcrack Rapids
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Don't know why, but MC Hammers "Can't touch this" popped into my mind as soon as I saw this
Gremlin
Houdini
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- Ingrid
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Nice selfie, taken this morning ?
Nod
Tootles
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- Nod (UK)
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A heart warming story.
________________________________________
Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."
So Sandra, being the good wife and Alan's true love, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"
Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"
A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes........
________________________________________
Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."
So Sandra, being the good wife and Alan's true love, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"
Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"
A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes........
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto stop for the night after a long hard day's ridding.
They both sit round the camp fire eating there dinner when suddenly Tonto gets up, puts his ear to the ground and listens.
He looks up and say's to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come"
"How do you know that?" asks the Lone Ranger.
Tonto replies "Sticky face"
They both sit round the camp fire eating there dinner when suddenly Tonto gets up, puts his ear to the ground and listens.
He looks up and say's to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come"
"How do you know that?" asks the Lone Ranger.
Tonto replies "Sticky face"
Nod
Tootles
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- Nod (UK)
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