The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Mountkeen said:
When I was younger I wanted to go to medical school so along with a number of fellow students I sat an entrance exam.

One of the questions was to rearrange the letters "PNEIS" into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered "spine" are doctors today.

The rest of us are posting OLD jokes on the internet.
Click to expand...
 
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the road sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves a paw at the them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair
and adds a permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
 
Needs more bacon.
 
•



In Austria, the tradition is that the Easter bunny hides eggs
all around for the kids to find.

To me, a foreigner, this sounds rather surprising and got me
asking: "… and just why would the wabbit do that?"

The answer given was: Cause he doesn't want anybody to
know he had some business with the chickens!
 
Last edited:
Shame they're just renders, although they could well be real products as well.
 
An oldie but topical ..
Sort of
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened that night last April?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" so

I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Heck no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little b*****d
 
So I hear Eddie Izzard has become a member of the Labour Party Exec Committee.

I'd have thought the LAST thing the Labour Party needed was ANOTHER comedian....
 
29598127_10160027195505447_8053281028216382854_n.jpg
 

Attachments

  • upload_2018-4-1_20-3-56.jpeg
    upload_2018-4-1_20-3-56.jpeg
    61.9 KB · Views: 45
Last edited:
Steep said:
So I hear Eddie Izzard has become a member of the Labour Party Exec Committee.

I'd have thought the LAST thing the Labour Party needed was ANOTHER comedian....
Click to expand...

I did not realise that Eddie Izzard was a comedian I that he was a ...
 
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone.


He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperary baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."


The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...

"Had him circumcised."
 
In a similar vein to @Steep

29665199_465677713852925_2186944292272335123_o.jpg
 
Last edited:
Effective Suicide Counselling In Australia

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the
edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said,
“Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes,
and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”

She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old b
icon_censored.gif
d !”

He shrugged and turned away saying,
"Okay, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

She didn’t jump.

normal_DCF49E68-C748-48A9-9E35-C6DDD2B9A5B2.jpeg
 
Putin visits Trump in The White House. As they sit down to relax in The Oval Office, Trump reaches for the drinks cabinet and says, "Hey Vlad, what's your poison?"

Putin replies - "That depends on the mission".
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top