The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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I've Just been reading about a major Albanian crime gang in London.
Surely they can't be too difficult to catch with all that white hair and red eyes?
 
sent to me

BAGPIPES

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless military man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.



I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.



The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.



As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "That was beeyooteeful! I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."



Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
 
Earthquake in Rochdale

An earthquake measuring 4.3 on the Richter scale hit Rochdale in the early hours with the epicentre in the Falinge area.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering fuuuckinell".

The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed and many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

The Rochdale Observer reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still coming to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Rochdale.
One resident Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of 5 said “it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying”.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when l was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of White Lightning to the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing items most needed include:
Base ball caps
Full matching track suits
Nike Huarachi trainers
Tartan pyjamas .
UGG boots and any other items usually sold in Primark


Food parcels may be harder to come by, but most needed are;
Pot noodles, microwave meals, tinned baked beans, cans of strongbow or special brew and of course pies
22 pence buys a biro for filling in compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£6 buys Benson & Hedges and a lighter to calm those affected

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcohol pop.
Where are you bleeding from? They asked ‘Wallbank’ said the girl ‘wossit got to do with you’

More to follow
 
A public service announcement for those with cats and are silly enough be thinking about putting your tree up this year ....


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Despite the fact our 2 cats take no notice of our tree I shall as usual put our main tree up on the patio, lit from an indoor socket and visible from the dining room, the other tree ( a pencil thin job) will be in the living room (and largely ignored by the cats (I hope).
Not being big headed my place is so small if I put a normal sized tree up indoors the wife and I would have to move out!
 
I'm reminded of the Essex Girl joke, where there is a major pile up on the A13, and rescue workers find a girl in the wreckage
"What's your name?" "Sharon"
"Well, Sharon, I can see that you are injured. Where are you bleeding from?"
"Romford, mate!"
 
kennethwfd said:
I'm reminded of the Essex Girl joke, where there is a major pile up on the A13, and rescue workers find a girl in the wreckage
"What's your name?" "Sharon"
"Well, Sharon, I can see that you are injured. Where are you bleeding from?"
"Romford, mate!"
Click to expand...
Or the Florence Nightingale hospital tent one. To a bandaged up soldier in a bed: "Oh you poor dear soldier, where are you bleeding from?"
Soldier: "Me ma'am? I'm from bleedin' 'Ackney"
 
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