The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Steep said:
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Or the Tesco requirement of including your birth certificate with the application, only to ensure your right to work in the UK :confused: or the Aldi requirement to include a picture :confused: and of course the most populasre one to find your approximate age, what year did you leave school:confused:

As they say more than one way to skin a cat
 
Is that before or after the cat's scanned it?
 
Actually, it must be after since the lab test is destructive.
 
Tofu = fermented and congealed demon semen.
 
Nod said:
fermented and congealed demon semen.
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I wouldn't know!
But as you said to me recently, you are what you eat :p
 
Cobra said:
I wouldn't know!
But as you said to me recently, you are what you eat :p
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Never touch the stuff! Tried it once (smoked tofu, sliced very thin and fried in bacon fat) and (despite the frying medium) didn't like it. Mrs Nod eats it since it's a useful source of protein for veggies - I prefer real food!
 
"From the makers of the Dictaphone, the Dictalift!"
 
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday....
 
45722453_10216317809645188_8324998817086701568_n.jpg
 
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