The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Gremlin

*looks down* Yep, I'm a girl!
Messages
15,561
Name
Ingrid
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No
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife,
"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
 
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Cobra

Cobra

Mr. Floyd
Staff member
Messages
87,983
Name
Phitt, Hissy Phitt
Edit My Images
No
I found this on FB, I can relate to much of this ...

When I was a child
Pasta had not been invented.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether
to put the salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our
dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yogurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded
as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called
cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a
picture of a real one..
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested
bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would
have become a laughing stock.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the
fifties .. was elbows!
 
Messages
15,210
Name
George.
Edit My Images
No
In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up, and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands, clear up to his elbows. He used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up, and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door, he said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University, and they taught us not to p*** on our hands."
 

Nod

Krispy and Kremey
Messages
33,190
Name
Nod (NOT Ethel!!!)
Edit My Images
Yes
You have a GOOD knee?
 
Messages
4,276
Name
mike
Edit My Images
Yes
This is an old one

A tourist couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope
being chased
down by a cheetah.
While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”
The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex
every day for the rest of your life.” The husband's eyebrows lifted.


The deadly chase was recorded. Click below.....

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=18&v=DYDIwOnXNc8
 
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4,276
Name
mike
Edit My Images
Yes
I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him, “I wish, I had your will power!”


I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus,
and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"
 
Messages
1,075
Name
dave
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Yes
I'm posting this with a heavy heart...

As much as I love photography it takes up too much of my time and I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics such as cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be re-homing my collection

Below is a list of what's available. All FREE of charge, but to good homes only. Serious enquiries only, please!

1. Dustpan and brush
2. Sponges
3. Dusters
4. Mop and bucket
5. Window cleaner
6. Vacuum cleaner
7. Dishwashing liquid
8. Laundry detergent
9. Fabric softener
10. Laundry baskets
11. Toilet brush
12. Cleaning sprays
13. Scrubbing brushes
Serious inquires only.
 
Messages
2,818
Name
Brian
Edit My Images
Yes
I'm posting this with a heavy heart...

As much as I love photography it takes up too much of my time and I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics such as cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be re-homing my collection

Below is a list of what's available. All FREE of charge, but to good homes only. Serious enquiries only, please!

1. Dustpan and brush
2. Sponges
3. Dusters
4. Mop and bucket
5. Window cleaner
6. Vacuum cleaner
7. Dishwashing liquid
8. Laundry detergent
9. Fabric softener
10. Laundry baskets
11. Toilet brush
12. Cleaning sprays
13. Scrubbing brushes
Serious inquires only.
What's the turd count on the toilet brush?
 
Messages
6,471
Name
Graham
Edit My Images
Yes
FB_IMG_1566148392462.jpeg
 
OP
OP
Cobra

Cobra

Mr. Floyd
Staff member
Messages
87,983
Name
Phitt, Hissy Phitt
Edit My Images
No
Edinburgh fringe wining joke really is cringe worthy, I'd hate to suffer alone (y)

"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".
 
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