The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Is "issatotal" Welsh for carrots?
 
Dunno I’m a cockney ,just live in wales
 
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For some time, many of us have wondered who is Jack S**t? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You dont know Jack S**t." Well, thanks to my efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack S**t is the only son of Awe S**t, who married O S**t, the owners of Knee Deep 'N S**t, Inc. In turn, Jack S**t married No S**t. The couple had six children, Holy S**t, Giva S**t, Fulla S**t, Bull S**t, and the twins Deep S**t and Dip S**t. Deep S**t married Dumb S**t, a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack and Noe S**t got divorced, and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe S**t Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip S**t married Lotta S**t and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken S**t. Fulla S**t and Giva S**t married the Happens brothers, and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the S**t-Happens wedding. Bull Sh*t traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa S**t. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know Jack S**t!
 
A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
 
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The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say."
 
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