The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I phoned the local radio station today.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."
"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied....
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"
"7" I replied
 
I don't know why not TBH ...

dog.jpg
 
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there's no friggin money in there.
 
I've just phoned the local ramblers club - and this bloke just went on and on
 
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Ken because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Ken and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Ken snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, 'Man, that Ken shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.’
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Ken into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

Ken sat up and watched me all night.
 
I once had a job putting up cinema posters, an old lady shouted to me one day "is King Kong coming?" . . I said no love it's just the paste dripping off my brush .
 
Q) What car does a zombie drive?
A) A Mange Rover!

Next time you are out on the road and see a Range Rover, you'll think "Mange Rover" then blame me! Woohoo! But check the driver...
 
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Apparently archaeologists in Egypt have excavated a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts and believe it to be the long lost Pharaoh Rocher.
 
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Look, ******* (Mrs Nod's name), that redhead's falling out of her dress.

OR.

Vorsprung durch cor f*** me lookat the tuts on that!
 
Ladies ...

DD.jpg
 
My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done
 
Teacher: If I gave you two cats, and then two more cats, how many cats would you have?
Johny: Five.
Teacher: I don't think you understand. If I gave you two cats, and then two more cats and then two more cats, how many cats would you have?
Johnny: Seven.
Teacher: Let's work this out on the board: Two plus two is four, right? and then four plus two is six. Is that correct?
Johnny: Yes Teacher, that is correct.
Teacher: Then why did you come up with five cats and then seven cats?
Johnny: I already have one cat at home.......
 
DorsetDude said:
One for @Cobra..
Click to expand...
Tree's, check
bushes, check
straight roads, check,
green verge, check
Crash barriers ( that don't always stop the plonkers going down the bank) check.

Yep looks like MK to me, just drive on through, there's a good chap (y)

:D
 
Cobra said:
Tree's, check
bushes, check
straight roads, check,
green verge, check
Crash barriers ( that don't always stop the plonkers going down the bank) check.

Yep looks like MK to me, just drive on through, there's a good chap (y)

:D
Click to expand...

And loads of those roundabouts have recently been resurfaced. [emoji1]

Another MK dweller here...
 
ERR wheres milton keynes ?????
 
Unh huh, unh huh?
 
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