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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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badlywornroy
I am not macho
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It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of COVID-19.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. The local strip club has gone tits up, Interflora is pruning its business and Dyno-Rod has gone down the drain.
The saddest one through is the ice cream van man found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He couldn't take it anymore and topped himself.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. The local strip club has gone tits up, Interflora is pruning its business and Dyno-Rod has gone down the drain.
The saddest one through is the ice cream van man found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He couldn't take it anymore and topped himself.
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New Young Wife
After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young woman.
Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.
“I would like to pass time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”
Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person.
The elderly man promptly acted on their advise and let a room in house to a young tenant.
The friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, “How is your wife now?”
"She is not lonely at all, in fact she is happy and she is pregnant"
The friends laughed, as they expected this. “How is the tenant?” they asked.
The man replied very soberly - "She is also pregnant ..”
Never underestimate the power of a senior citizen.
After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young woman.
Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.
“I would like to pass time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”
Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person.
The elderly man promptly acted on their advise and let a room in house to a young tenant.
The friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, “How is your wife now?”
"She is not lonely at all, in fact she is happy and she is pregnant"
The friends laughed, as they expected this. “How is the tenant?” they asked.
The man replied very soberly - "She is also pregnant ..”
Never underestimate the power of a senior citizen.
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Maurice , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor for a check-up.
A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down
the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,
'You're really doing really well, aren't you?'
Maurice replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down
the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,
'You're really doing really well, aren't you?'
Maurice replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Pope Francis meets with President Trump
After their private meeting, the president walks outside to the media and announces “It was a great meeting. Terrific. The very best. Pope Francis and I were in total agreement on 70% of the issues we discussed.”
Then Pope Francis walks outside looking dejected. A reporter asks “Your Holiness, why so glum? President Trump says you were in total agreement on 70% of the issues you discussed.”
Pope Francis replies “We were discussing the Ten Commandments.”
After their private meeting, the president walks outside to the media and announces “It was a great meeting. Terrific. The very best. Pope Francis and I were in total agreement on 70% of the issues we discussed.”
Then Pope Francis walks outside looking dejected. A reporter asks “Your Holiness, why so glum? President Trump says you were in total agreement on 70% of the issues you discussed.”
Pope Francis replies “We were discussing the Ten Commandments.”
