The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

An old one:-
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to
the brim with 10$ bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay 10$,and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar
and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,
"What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender 10$ which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my 10$-- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream
down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a
terrible fight -then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
 
Nod said:
But have you heard of Scunthorpe?
Click to expand...
When Scunthorpe library went on-line in the mid 1990s, none of the then search engines would either search for it or return it in search results.
 
john.margetts said:
When Scunthorpe library went on-line in the mid 1990s, none of the then search engines would either search for it or return it in search results.
Click to expand...
Wonder how the residents of s***terton or Twatt are coping
 
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Hoorah, finally got a delivery slot with Asda, so I've ordered my turkey, Christmas crackers, Paxo stuffing mix and a bag of Brussel sprouts...
 
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied,
"And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
 
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