The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A devout Christian was caught in a flood and had to retreat upstairs to escape the rising water. A fire crew in an inflatable boat pulled up to his window and told him to climb in. "No" he replied "God will keep me safe". So the fire crew left him and concentrated on rescuing the other villagers.

The water continued to rise and the man had to climb onto the roof of his house to escape the flood. An inshore lifeboat crew pulled up to the eaves of the roof and told him to climb into the boat. Once again the man replied "No, the good Lord will look after me."

The water rose further and the man had to cling to the chimney stack to avoid drowning. A coastguard helicopter appeared and hovered overhead and the crew told him they will lower a man down to lift him to safety. The man shouts back "No! The Lord God will save me".

The water continued to rise and the man was drowned. Arriving at the gates of heaven he berated St Peter, saying "I placed my trust in the Lord, but he let me down in my hour of need!". St Peter shook his head and replied, "He sent two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want!".
 
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Mr Badger said:
A devout Christian was caught in a flood and had to retreat upstairs to escape the rising water. A fire crew in an inflatable boat pulled up to his window and told him to climb in. "No" he replied "God will keep me safe". So the fire crew left him and concentrated on rescuing the other villagers.

The water continued to rise and the man had to climb onto the roof of his house to escape the flood. An inshore lifeboat crew pulled up to the eaves of the roof and told him to climb into the boat. Once again the man replied "No, the good Lord will look after me."

The water rose further and the man had to cling to the chimney stack to avoid drowning. A coastguard helicopter appeared and hovered overhead and the crew told him they will lower a man down to lift him to safety. The man shouts back "No! The Lord God will save me".

The water continued to rise and the man was drowned. Arriving at the gates of heaven he berated St Peter, saying "I placed my trust in the Lord, but he let me down in my hour of need!". St Peter shook his head and replied, "He sent two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want!".
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There was a pastor I knew who told the story of the window in his car being broken one night: some people asked him "what does it mean? What's God trying to tell you?" His reply was "God is telling me to get my window fixed".

:rolleyes:

True story.
 
A businessman goes into a London bank and asks to see the manager as he wants a loan. The manager appears and asks him for the details. The man tells the bank manager that he'd like to borrow £50,000 for two weeks. The manager asks if the man has enough collateral to secure the loan. The man tells the bank manager that they can have his brand new Rolls Royce Phantom car as security for the loan, but asks if the car will be kept securely and without any damage during the two week period. "Of course", replied the bank manager, "we have a secure underground car park beneath the bank and your car, as a valuable asset, will be kept there".

The man asks the bank manager how much the loan will cost and, after the manager has done some calculations, he replies "Providing the loan is repaid in full within two weeks then the arrangement fee and interest will total £280". The man agrees and duly signs the paperwork and hands over the keys and registration document for the car, then checks the £50,000 loan has been credited to his account and leaves the bank.

Two weeks to the day, the man returns to the bank and repays the loan in full. The curious bank manager escorts the man down to the underground car park and hands back the keys and paperwork. Before the man has time to open his car and drive away, the bank manger asks "I hope you don't think I'm prying, but why does a man who is clearly as wealthy as you are, take out a £50,000 loan against a brand new £360,000 car for just two weeks?" The businessman smiled and replied "Where else am I going to find secure parking for a brand new Rolls Royce Phantom in London for two whole weeks for just 280 quid?!.
 
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Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years
suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make
wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle
of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,
"I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr.
Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick
pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know,
since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the
world?"
So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of
seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The
pharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30
years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why
the hell do you do it?"
 
Talking of banks ...

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a f***in' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a f***in' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a f***in' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
 
Some people buy number plates for their initials
I guess this must have been a good night though .....

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Psssssssssssssss........
 
It looks as though he felt a right tit there
( :coat: )
 
And she just felt a little prick...
 
Nod said:
And she just felt a little prick...
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Do you remember when they used to say that? Now they always say “sharp scratch” which doesn’t seem to me to describe the act :) and always makes me smile (inwardly) as I bet the nurses did in the “just a little prick” days :).
 
welshwizard645 said:
Lots of people remember Phil Oakey from the Human League in the '80s.

However, few remember his sister Carrie who invented singing badly in pubs....
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I couldn't stop laughing at this for ages,Nice one.
 
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