The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Mr Badger said:
I was going to post a joke about mind reading... but you've heard it before. :(
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Ive got a great joke about dementia.........................................................................................
 
mikew said:
I have decided on a new exercise program. I am walking with a neighbor every day.
Never knew walking w/someone else was such an incentive. We don't talk much during the walk. My neighbor walks about 10 feet ahead of me.

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Just this week, I've followed her for 10 miles
without my cane! I'm feeling better with each mile!​
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Captain Toms' secret?
 
A midget with a lisp goes to a farmer to buy a horse. He looks over the horse to inspect it, and says to the farmer, "I'd like to sthee its teeth." So the farmer picks him up to give him a view of the teeth. Then, the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its ears." Again, the farmer picks him up to view the horses ears. Then the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its t***." "Excuse me?" says the farmer. The midget says, "I'd like to sthee its t***." So the farmer picks him up and shoves his head up the horse's t***. The midget's legs are flailing violently, and he’s screaming in there, so the farmer pulls him out and puts him down. The midget looks at the farmer and says, "I think I'll rephrase that, I'd like to sthee it run."
 
Phil1974 said:
I’m going to kick myself for asking but...???
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The more obscure pic is Hal from 2001 A Space Odyssey
Edit: pretty sure I could mansplain this, but I won't bother :)
 
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Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
 
kendo1 said:
The more obscure pic is Hal from 2001 A Space Odyssey
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Thanks for that - I got the answer but wasn't sure what that was. My guess was a doorbell button.
 
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