The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A guy drops a sword from the sky. When he gets off he sees a girl crying. He says "What's wrong?" The girl says, "Well, a sword fell from the sky and killed my cat. Another guy drops a gun from the sky and sees a boy crying. He asks "What's wrong?" He says "A gun fell from the sky and shot my dog." Another guy drops a bomb from the sky and sees a little boy laughing. He asks, "What's so funny?" He says "My mom farted so hard the house blew up!!"
 
An 85-year-old guy has a 26-year-old girlfriend, and he goes to the doctors complaining that she isn't being satisfied "in the bedroom", so the doctor says "What you need to do is find a good-looking, muscular guy, her age, and get him to come back to your place and while you make love to her, he should flap a towel around over above you both".
"Okay," says the old guy and off he goes. When he gets home he explains all this to his girlfriend who agrees to go along with the plan, and they go out and find a suitable guy.
That night he makes love to her while the younger guy furiously flaps a towel around above them, but still nothing.
The old fella goes back to the doctor and explains what happened and the doctor says "Right then, in that case, tonight you should swap places with the young guy and see if that helps"
So that night, he swaps places with the young guy, and while the youngster is making love to the old guy's girlfriend, he furiously flaps the towel around above them both.
Well, the young woman has The. Night. Of. Her. Life!!!
Multiple orgasms, sweating, screaming, thrashing about and slapping her hands on the bed etc....couldn't be better...
When they are finished the old bloke takes the young guy to one side and says "See......that's how you're supposed to flap a towel around!"
 
Steep said:
View: https://youtu.be/SY1XzM4f8bs
Click to expand...
Reminded me of this

EeMYuX6WkAAOUay
 
A film crew was filming in the highlands in Scotland when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by and said, "Tomorrow rain," and hobbled on. Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past and said, "Tomorrow sunshine." It was indeed a fine sunny day the next day. The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy and said, "Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up?" "Radio broken," the old man replied.
 
Trump wants to see Biden in jail.

Biden doesn't think he should visit the Donald in jail.
 
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this old thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?" he said.
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found nearby, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour."
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. Would you like a Whiskey?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
.
.
.
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.
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"You've built a motorbike?”
 
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