The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

He tumbled her pussy? :oops: :$
 
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f****** potatoes!"
 
That's OK - you probably won't be there when it doesn't happen.
 
This horse was having a pint with a donkey. The horse says, 'I've won the Derby, the Oaks, the St. Ledger, the Grand National and the Gold Cup!'

The donkey says, 'That's nothing' and shows the horse a picture of a zebra on his mobile phone. 'Who's that?' says the horse.

The donkey says, 'That's me when I played for Juventus.'
 
Different queens!
 
A rookie skydiver is descending on his first solo jump, the earth is fast rushing up to meet him. He pulls his ripcord, but nothing happens.
He reaches for his reserve, pulls the cord, and again, nothing happens.
Luckily he sees a man passing him going in the opposite direction.

"Excuse me" shouts the Skydiver, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No, sorry" says the other man, "do you know anything about gas boilers?"
 
There’s this guy who believes the his wife is having an affair.

So one day, he kisses her cheerio and off he goes to work.

They live in a tower block, 5th floor. Cladding is fine :)

The husband gives it 2 hours and decides to creep back into the flat and ’surprise’ his wife.

He crashes through the front door and starts shouting and yelling “Where is he? I’ll kill him!"

The wife was indeed having an affair, and her lover was at that moment in the kitchen getting a glass of water.

He can hear the angry husband bashing and crashing about in the flat. Looking under the settee, in the hallway cupboard getting more and more angry! He even threw the Dyson out of the cupboard!

The lover decides it’s best to hide. He looks around and thinks “I know, I’ll hide in the fridge”

The husband eventually makes his way to the kitchen. By chance he looks out of the window and sees this guy running for a bus!

Husband looks around, thinking “What can I throw at him?”

He picks up the fridge and throws it as hard as he can at the running man!

Up in heaven, St Peter is at the gate and ‘pop’, up turns this chap.

“Hello my son” says St Peter, “What happened to you?” he asks.

"Well I thought my wife was having an affair, so I went home early, saw this guy running away, threw my fridge at him and pow! I had a heart attack”

"Oh dear", says St Peter, “come on in"

Pop! Another chap turns up.

“Hello my son” says St Peter, “What happened to you?” he asks.

“Well”, says this chap, “I was running for this bus and all of a sudden a fridge landed on me, and well, here I am"

"Oh dear", says St Peter, “come on in"

Pop! Another chap turns up.

“Hello my son” says St Peter, “What happened to you” he asks.

“Well” he says, “I was sitting in this fridge….."
 
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