The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

[Cobra]

 

[Cobra]

 

[Tringa]

I do not subscribe to those who frequently cry, "Fake News" at headlines, but yesterday I heard that Matt Hancock had been accused of giving PPE contracts to his friends. Come on! Matt Hancock has friends!

Dave

 

[Mag1cp2x]

My child: ‘Why do you keep making up stupid things to get me to do stuff ?’

Me: ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’

My child: ‘Like if I don’t clean my room or wash the car a portal will open up and I’ll disappear into a void forever’.

Me: ‘Like what happened to your elder brother ?’

My child: ‘What elder brother ?’

Me: ‘Exactly !’

 

[Nod]

 

[cymruchris]

 

[badlywornroy]

I've joined the local Autopsy Club, really looking forward to tonight, it's Open Mike Night.

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[Cobra]

 

[Petrochemist]

View attachment 309879

I've been told men are only right 3/4 of the time on Feb 29th (building up for the other two days where I think my Boss will be ready to agree with you)

 

[carper]

 

[Steep]

 

[Gremlin]

 

[Gremlin]

 

[D-Mitch]

 

[D-Mitch]

 

[Mr Badger]

During the London Blitz many of my great uncle's neighbours adopted a fatalistic approach, saying "It's all down to luck... if a bomb has your name on it, then there's nothing you can do about it!". Apparently this did little to comfort Mr and Mrs Doodlebug, who lived at number 13.

 

[sphexx]

During the London Blitz many of my great uncle's neighbours adopted a fatalistic approach, saying "It's all down to luck... if a bomb has your name on it, then there's nothing you can do about it!". Apparently this did little to comfort Mr and Mrs Doodlebug, who lived at number 13.

, Though as a victim of of a V1 (luckily only the house) perhaps I shouldn’t laugh. Actually possibly a victim of our intelligence services telling the enemy their V1 were overshooting London causing them to land on Kent instead ,

 

[Mr Badger]

, Though as a victim of of a V1 (luckily only the house) perhaps I shouldn’t laugh. Actually possibly a victim of our intelligence services telling the enemy their V1 were overshooting London causing them to land on Kent instead ,

And the moral of this story is, never fall out with a member of the intelligence services if they know where you live!

 

[Tori_T]

They're spooks so lose the "if".

And the moral of this story is, never fall out with a member of the intelligence services; they know where you live!

 

[Merlin5]

 

[Steep]

They're spooks View attachment 309916 so lose the "if".

They're British spooks, put the 'if' back!

 

[Mr Badger]

They're British spooks, put the 'if' back!

Your name will also go on the list... what is it?

 

[simon ess]

Don't tell him Hugh.

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[Petrochemist]

They're British spooks, put the 'if' back!

They'll still know your name, it's just they won't leak the information as readily as some other spooks.

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[Tigger.ufo]

Sweary word ... sorry, that is as small as I can make it!!

 

[Nod]

 

[Mountkeen]

I went back to see my doctor yesterday.

I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I said, "On the bus!"

 

[Cobra]

 

[Mountkeen]

My boss just had a pop at me about me being sarcastic. He said, "Sarcasm doesn't get you anywhere."

I said, "Well, it got me to the sarcasm World Championship in Uruguay in 2019."

He said, "Really?"

I said, "No"

 

[welshwizard645]

My boss just had a pop at me about me being sarcastic. He said, "Sarcasm doesn't get you anywhere."

I said, "Well, it got me to the sarcasm World Championship in Uruguay in 2019."

He said, "Really?"

I said, "No"

And why did I have the mental image of Father Jessup delivering the punchline I wonder...

 

[Cobra]

 

[Steep]

Your name will also go on the list... what is it?

Cobra

 

[Gremlin]