The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

[lugworm]

 

[Nod]

According to the NYC Health Department, the safest sex acts during the pandemic include:

• mutual masturbation
• glory hole sex
• masked sex
• oral sex with a dental dam or external condom
• anal sex with an external condom or other barrier method

 

[munch]

 

[Mr Badger]

Driverless cars seem to have become very popular all of a sudden; I’ve just been shopping and noticed that the supermarket car park was full of them.

 

[Mag1cp2x]

It's very seldom you hear a joke about white sugar,
but jokes about brown sugar - Demerara

 

[D-Mitch]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
“And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”

 

[mex]

 

[Mr Badger]

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education. I can believe that, as they were both druids.

 

[D-Mitch]

I have a good grip on reality, just not this one.

 

[Mountkeen]

"Dad.....how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"

"Thanks Dad"

"No problem Alan"

 

[kennethwfd]

Shorpe ...

... my Mum's next door neighbour no longer lives there ...

And while in Dorset, be sure to include S***tterton

 

[kennethwfd]

My father used to say "When one door closes, another opens". Wonderful dad, but useless cabinet maker

 

[Mountkeen]

My mate said I wasn't a true cockney, so I pushed him down the apples and oranges

 

[Mag1cp2x]

I’ve just bought myself a genuine Van Gogh picture frame.
I know for a fact that it really is genuine because it’s got a bit of veneer missing.

 

[Nod]

 

[D-Mitch]

 

[Mr Badger]

As a child I had a very rare medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive. I was lucky my older brother told me about it really.

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[Nod]

 

[Mountkeen]

Last night the wife and I watched two DVD’s back to back

Fortunately I was the one facing the TV.

 

[badlywornroy]

I have a second-hand wildebeest for sale, it has had very little use, in fact it’s just like gnu.

 

[scottishguy]

 

[Nod]

View attachment 318445

 

[Gremlin]

 

[Gremlin]

 

[Gremlin]

 

[Gremlin]

 

[Box Brownie]

View attachment 318445

View attachment 318493

NY, NY...........

 

[Mag1cp2x]

A peeping tom has been caught and beaten up - he’s now in the ICU.

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[Cobra]

 

[D-Mitch]