The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

When you’re over sixty...Who cares?





I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this FAT,ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute.

You gotta phone number?"


I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"


She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".


I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."


Cost me 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?




*****************************

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."


Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"


Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."


Cost me a busted tooth... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?


*****************************

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”


I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”


Cost me a fat lip... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?


*****************************

I was telling a woman in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.


"Really" she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go ahead and try."


After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"


I said, "Yesterday."


Cost me a kick in the nuts... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?



*****************************


I went to a bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.


"Good legs!" I said! The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"


I said, "Definitely! ... Most tables would have collapsed by now."


Cost me another 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?


***************************
 
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My wife said she wants something shiny, which does 0-150 in under 4 seconds for Valentines.
I hope she likes the new bathroom scales I've got her...
 
Must be getting old didn't get that one at all.
 
Anyone had to deal with erectile dysfunction?

It's not as hard as you think!


I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice.
My uncle doesn't f*** around when playing Monopoly
 
"Can you read that number-plate from here?" Said my instructor.

"Yes I can!", I replied, "Now will you open the f***ing parachute!"
 
gm43uk said:
"Can you read that number-plate from here?" Said my instructor.

"Yes I can!", I replied, "Now will you open the f***ing parachute!"
Click to expand...

Reminds me of the joke about:-

The Blind Parachutist who knew when he was near the ground by when the lead of his Guide Dog went slack.
 
Mountkeen said:
When balloons are terribly terribly wrong.......

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Click to expand...

So that's why they call him The Amazing Spiderman. And I don't want to think about what's Incredible about the Hulk :)
 
Guard on Death Row: What would you like for your last meal?

Woman: Oh I don't know, what do you want?
 
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question.
“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”
The Teacher fainted.
 
There’s something very comforting about the words ‘Jesus loves you’……unless you happen to be in a Mexican prison.
 
Wife gets naked and asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humour!"
(Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00. )
-------------------------------------------------------------

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
 
I used to be addicted to the hokey-cokey.

But I turned it around and that's what it's all about.
 
The English have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire.

This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

...
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"


"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.


"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.


"Aplomb," My Lord.


"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."


"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."


"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."


"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"


"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.


"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."


"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."


"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."


"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."


"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?

That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
 
Paddy gets stopped towing a horsebox on the motorway. Police ask him "Where are you going sir?" Paddy says "I'm taking these horses to the races" "But your box is empty sir!" says the policeman. "I know" says Paddy, "I'm taking the none-runners first!!!!"
 
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