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  1. StewartR

    StewartR Efrem Zimbalist Jr Advertiser

    Messages:
    10,241
    Name:
    Stewart (duh)
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    I used to be addicted to the hokey-cokey.

    But I turned it around and that's what it's all about.
     
    Llamaman likes this.
  2. Doc

    Doc

    Messages:
    986
    Name:
    John
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    The English have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire.

    This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.

    His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

    ...
    "May I ask you a question, My Lord?"


    "Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.


    "I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


    "What word is that?" asked His Lordship.


    "Aplomb," My Lord.


    "Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."


    "Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."


    "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

    "I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."


    "Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"


    "I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.


    "While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."


    "I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."


    "That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."


    "Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."


    "And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,
    'Darling, does your prick still throb?'
    And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?

    That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
     
  3. Skyline

    Skyline Emmet Brickowski

    Messages:
    2,863
    Name:
    Dave
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    Paddy gets stopped towing a horsebox on the motorway. Police ask him "Where are you going sir?" Paddy says "I'm taking these horses to the races" "But your box is empty sir!" says the policeman. "I know" says Paddy, "I'm taking the none-runners first!!!!"
     
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  4. Gremlin

    Gremlin

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    12,860
    Name:
    Ingrid
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    :LOL: @Cobra , they nicked your avatar and put it to good use :p

    [​IMG]
     
  5. Cobra

    Cobra Mr Magoo Staff Member

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    81,061
    Name:
    Phitt, Hissy Phitt
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    Fame at last (y)

    (Even if its the wrong colour :D )
     
  6. Cartus

    Cartus

    Messages:
    1,195
    Name:
    Tim
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    ....and when Paddy gets home from taking the 'non-runners' back to their stable he is asked why he keeps an empty bottle of milk in the fridge, "in case anyone takes their coffee black" he replies. :eek:
     
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  7. Cobra

    Cobra Mr Magoo Staff Member

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    Phitt, Hissy Phitt
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  8. Gremlin

    Gremlin

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    12,860
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    Ingrid
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    Happy now

    [​IMG]
     
  9. Cobra

    Cobra Mr Magoo Staff Member

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    Name:
    Phitt, Hissy Phitt
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    <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< still wrong :p
     
  10. Gremlin

    Gremlin

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    Ingrid
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    Yeah well if you think I'm playing with a long black one ;):p
    and you'll change it if I do :(
     
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  11. Gremlin

    Gremlin

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    Ingrid
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    [​IMG]
     
    viv1969, omens, stryvya and 2 others like this.
  12. Mag1cp2x

    Mag1cp2x

    Messages:
    754
    Name:
    Graeme
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  13. Cobra

    Cobra Mr Magoo Staff Member

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    Name:
    Phitt, Hissy Phitt
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    :D

    As if :whistle:
    :D
     
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  14. Mag1cp2x

    Mag1cp2x

    Messages:
    754
    Name:
    Graeme
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    No
  15. andyred

    andyred

    Messages:
    11,095
    Name:
    And
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  16. Skyline

    Skyline Emmet Brickowski

    Messages:
    2,863
    Name:
    Dave
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    Me: I'm a confident driver

    Friend: You almost just ran someone over

    Me: Confidently though ...
     
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  17. Mountkeen

    Mountkeen

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    717
    Name:
    Ron
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    Booked a table for me and the wife for Valentines.

    It went down badly.

    Turns out she hates snooker .
     
    StewartR, omens, tom24 and 5 others like this.
  18. Cobra

    Cobra Mr Magoo Staff Member

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    Phitt, Hissy Phitt
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    Just had my Valentine's day card off Moonpig.

    She hates it when I call her that.
     
    omens, boogie man, Steep and 4 others like this.
  19. Shirleyr

    Shirleyr

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    2,603
    Name:
    Shirley
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    So,you found your Mrs.Cobra at last. Kept that quiet.:hug:
     
  20. boogie man

    boogie man

    Messages:
    808
    Name:
    Larry
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    I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's. She said "something with diamonds would be nice!"

    Turns out she didn't mean a pack of cards.
     
  21. Cobra

    Cobra Mr Magoo Staff Member

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    Name:
    Phitt, Hissy Phitt
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    No fear of that, I like my independence too much, besides, it took me far too long to get rid of the last one!

    However I'm looking for a rich widow / single woman that can keep me in the manner to which I could become accustomed too, if you know anyone? (y)
     
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  22. Gremlin

    Gremlin

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    Ingrid
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    [​IMG]
     
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  23. Mag1cp2x

    Mag1cp2x

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    754
    Name:
    Graeme
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    I know someone for you - she's 4' 6" tall and has a flat head which will be very useful at your office functions because you'll always have somewhere to put your drink :beer:
     
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  24. Mountkeen

    Mountkeen

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    Name:
    Ron
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    As a Valentine treat last night, my wife asked, would I like to go upstairs with her and she would put on a black lacy number.

    I said no thanks, I hate that Agadoo song.
     
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  25. Doc

    Doc

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    Name:
    John
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  26. Gremlin

    Gremlin

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    Ingrid
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    A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

    To My Dear Wife,
    You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.

    When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

    My Dear Husband,
    I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -

    18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
    Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
     
    omens, Bobsyeruncle, Doc and 2 others like this.
  27. Professor1991

    Professor1991

    Messages:
    123
    Name:
    Anonymous
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    For Valentines I booked a table for me and my wife, although when we got there she told me she's doesn't know how to play snooker.
     
  28. ianp5a

    ianp5a

    Messages:
    4,250
    Name:
    Ian
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    Holy repeat from 10 posts earlier Batman!
     
  29. Professor1991

    Professor1991

    Messages:
    123
    Name:
    Anonymous
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    Yes
    ** Slowly proceeds to slap his face in stupidity and shame **
     
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  30. mikew

    mikew

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    2,155
    Name:
    mike
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  31. mikew

    mikew

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    2,155
    Name:
    mike
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    Yes
  32. gm43uk

    gm43uk

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    Yorkshire police are becoming concerned about a new drug craze. It appears people are injecting liquid ecstasy into their mouths in order to get a faster hit from the drug. This trend is known as “E by gum.”
     
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  33. DorsetDude

    DorsetDude I look spiffing in tights

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    7,075
    Name:
    Keith
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    Yes
    Ya daft apeth
     
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  34. Cobra

    Cobra Mr Magoo Staff Member

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    Phitt, Hissy Phitt
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  35. Graham

    Graham

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    4,782
    Name:
    Graham
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    Now this is true.
    I worked for a large security company and at a well known car company. About once every month I would get a call on the phone, seimens here, just a test call... Say it fast... I always p***ed myself laughing every time I got the call.
     
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  36. Gremlin

    Gremlin

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    12,860
    Name:
    Ingrid
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    [​IMG]
     
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  37. Professor1991

    Professor1991

    Messages:
    123
    Name:
    Anonymous
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    My nan found a lump in each of her breasts.
    Turns out it was just her knees.
     
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  38. gm43uk

    gm43uk

    Messages:
    899
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    May contain traces of nut
    [​IMG]
     
  39. Cartus

    Cartus

    Messages:
    1,195
    Name:
    Tim
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    Yes
    Are they nuns?
     
  40. Mag1cp2x

    Mag1cp2x

    Messages:
    754
    Name:
    Graeme
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