I used to be addicted to the hokey-cokey.
But I turned it around and that's what it's all about.
The English have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire.
This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?
That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
Paddy gets stopped towing a horsebox on the motorway. Police ask him "Where are you going sir?" Paddy says "I'm taking these horses to the races" "But your box is empty sir!" says the policeman. "I know" says Paddy, "I'm taking the none-runners first!!!!"
@Cobra , they nicked your avatar and put it to good use
Fame at last
(Even if its the wrong colour )
....and when Paddy gets home from taking the 'non-runners' back to their stable he is asked why he keeps an empty bottle of milk in the fridge, "in case anyone takes their coffee black" he replies.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< still wrong
Yeah well if you think I'm playing with a long black one
and you'll change it if I do
IMG_0197 by Graeme Hutson, on Flickr
NMFJ by Graeme Hutson, on Flickr
Me: I'm a confident driver
Friend: You almost just ran someone over
Me: Confidently though ...
Booked a table for me and the wife for Valentines.
It went down badly.
Turns out she hates snooker .
Just had my Valentine's day card off Moonpig.
She hates it when I call her that.
So,you found your Mrs.Cobra at last. Kept that quiet.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's. She said "something with diamonds would be nice!"
Turns out she didn't mean a pack of cards.
No fear of that, I like my independence too much, besides, it took me far too long to get rid of the last one!
However I'm looking for a rich widow / single woman that can keep me in the manner to which I could become accustomed too, if you know anyone?
I know someone for you - she's 4' 6" tall and has a flat head which will be very useful at your office functions because you'll always have somewhere to put your drink
As a Valentine treat last night, my wife asked, would I like to go upstairs with her and she would put on a black lacy number.
I said no thanks, I hate that Agadoo song.
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
For Valentines I booked a table for me and my wife, although when we got there she told me she's doesn't know how to play snooker.
Holy repeat from 10 posts earlier Batman!
** Slowly proceeds to slap his face in stupidity and shame **
Yorkshire police are becoming concerned about a new drug craze. It appears people are injecting liquid ecstasy into their mouths in order to get a faster hit from the drug. This trend is known as “E by gum.”
Ya daft apeth
Now this is true.
I worked for a large security company and at a well known car company. About once every month I would get a call on the phone, seimens here, just a test call... Say it fast... I always p***ed myself laughing every time I got the call.
My nan found a lump in each of her breasts.
Turns out it was just her knees.
May contain traces of nut
Are they nuns?
16730540_1267924943301218_1007034793120252850_n by Graeme Hutson, on Flickr