The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

:LOL: @Cobra , they nicked your avatar and put it to good use :p

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Skyline said:
Paddy gets stopped towing a horsebox on the motorway. Police ask him "Where are you going sir?" Paddy says "I'm taking these horses to the races" "But your box is empty sir!" says the policeman. "I know" says Paddy, "I'm taking the none-runners first!!!!"
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....and when Paddy gets home from taking the 'non-runners' back to their stable he is asked why he keeps an empty bottle of milk in the fridge, "in case anyone takes their coffee black" he replies. :eek:
 
Me: I'm a confident driver

Friend: You almost just ran someone over

Me: Confidently though ...
 
Just had my Valentine's day card off Moonpig.

She hates it when I call her that.
 
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's. She said "something with diamonds would be nice!"

Turns out she didn't mean a pack of cards.
 
Shirleyr said:
So,you found your Mrs.Cobra at last.
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No fear of that, I like my independence too much, besides, it took me far too long to get rid of the last one!

However I'm looking for a rich widow / single woman that can keep me in the manner to which I could become accustomed too, if you know anyone? (y)
 
Cobra said:
No fear of that, I like my independence too much, besides, it took me far too long to get rid of the last one!

However I'm looking for a rich widow / single woman that can keep me in the manner to which I could become accustomed too, if you know anyone? (y)
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I know someone for you - she's 4' 6" tall and has a flat head which will be very useful at your office functions because you'll always have somewhere to put your drink :beer:
 
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
 
For Valentines I booked a table for me and my wife, although when we got there she told me she's doesn't know how to play snooker.
 
Yorkshire police are becoming concerned about a new drug craze. It appears people are injecting liquid ecstasy into their mouths in order to get a faster hit from the drug. This trend is known as “E by gum.”
 
Now this is true.
I worked for a large security company and at a well known car company. About once every month I would get a call on the phone, seimens here, just a test call... Say it fast... I always p***ed myself laughing every time I got the call.
 
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