and the site receives a small commission
The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
- Start date
- Messages
- 9,638
- Name
- Steve
- Edit My Images
- Yes
A herd of cows & a bull are in a field when an earthquake hits and all the cows fall to the ground due to the tremors, but the Bull just carried on grazing.
"Hey Bull" one of the cows shouts, "How come you're still standing?"
He replies "We Bulls Wobble, but we don't fall down"....
"Hey Bull" one of the cows shouts, "How come you're still standing?"
He replies "We Bulls Wobble, but we don't fall down"....
Tigger.ufo
Lady Penelope
- Messages
- 5,932
- Name
- Heather
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Tigger.ufo
Lady Penelope
- Messages
- 5,932
- Name
- Heather
- Edit My Images
- Yes
- Messages
- 1,285
- Name
- Malc
- Edit My Images
- No
Wife: What size is the goal in football?
Me: 24' wide and 8' high.
Wife: Yeah, but how deep is it?
Me: 24' wide and 8' high.
Wife: Yeah, but how deep is it?
Dale.
Bo Derek
- Messages
- 12,200
- Name
- Dale.
- Edit My Images
- Yes
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the Welsh authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Dowlais (just up the road from where I used to live), Dai the Twigg, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Dai has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Wales had already gone wireless."
Just makes me bloody proud to be Welsh!
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the Welsh authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Dowlais (just up the road from where I used to live), Dai the Twigg, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Dai has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Wales had already gone wireless."
Just makes me bloody proud to be Welsh!
- Messages
- 2,030
- Name
- Graeme
- Edit My Images
- No
- Messages
- 2,151
- Name
- martin
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Better a wet dog than a wet fart!
Nod
Tootles
- Messages
- 45,895
- Name
- Nod (UK)
- Edit My Images
- Yes
OP
- Messages
- 115,214
- Name
- The real Chris
- Edit My Images
- No
3 Mustalids are sitting in a bar,
The barman asks what are you guys drinking?
The Mink says I'll have a Black Russian, it goes with my coat colour and the colour of my heart.
The Badger says, as I'm black and white, it's Guinness for me.
And what about the little fella at the end of the bar, inquires the barman ?.
Wait for it
Wait
wait
wait
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
POP, Pop, goes the Weasel.
The barman asks what are you guys drinking?
The Mink says I'll have a Black Russian, it goes with my coat colour and the colour of my heart.
The Badger says, as I'm black and white, it's Guinness for me.
And what about the little fella at the end of the bar, inquires the barman ?.
Wait for it
Wait
wait
wait
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
POP, Pop, goes the Weasel.
Last edited:
- Messages
- 722
- Name
- Chris
- Edit My Images
- No
- Messages
- 10,522
- Name
- John
- Edit My Images
- Yes
I posted about our friend and Alexa further up the thread. If I'm permiited just one more
We've just bought two Amazon Echo Smart speakers. I'm trying to get my wife, who is courteous to a fault ,to just give it a command not.."Alexa, please play ....(whatever) ..thank youuuuu"
"Alexa, would you stop/can you stop playing please ?..
We've just bought two Amazon Echo Smart speakers. I'm trying to get my wife, who is courteous to a fault ,to just give it a command not.."Alexa, please play ....(whatever) ..thank youuuuu"
"Alexa, would you stop/can you stop playing please ?..
I was walking through the local cemetery earlier today when I saw a little old man kneeling by a gravestone.
He was crying and saying “Oh why did you have to die? Why, why, why did you die? I was so happy, so very happy and then you died. My life was wonderful and now it’s darkness and despair because you are gone. Oh why did you have to die?”
I went over to him and said “I’m sorry to disturb you, is there anything I can do to help? Whose grave is it?”
He looked at me with tear-filled eyes and said, “My wife’s first husband.”
He was crying and saying “Oh why did you have to die? Why, why, why did you die? I was so happy, so very happy and then you died. My life was wonderful and now it’s darkness and despair because you are gone. Oh why did you have to die?”
I went over to him and said “I’m sorry to disturb you, is there anything I can do to help? Whose grave is it?”
He looked at me with tear-filled eyes and said, “My wife’s first husband.”
sphexx
Likes a dare
- Messages
- 14,819
- Name
- Richard
- Edit My Images
- No
As usual I bring a literal view to a joke, but wouldn’t it be better for the mink to have champagne, that also being a colour variety of mink (rare in the wild here, though I have seen one) and also more in line with mink coats etc?
OP
- Messages
- 115,214
- Name
- The real Chris
- Edit My Images
- No
Last edited:
sphexx
Likes a dare
- Messages
- 14,819
- Name
- Richard
- Edit My Images
- No
Mink aren’t vicious if treated right. They are trainable.
sphexx
Likes a dare
- Messages
- 14,819
- Name
- Richard
- Edit My Images
- No
One of the Russian Ambassadors comes to President Putin and tells him he'd like to resign.
"Why?" Putin asks him.
"Ah, Mr. President, I can't take these time differences! I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Well, these are just minor inconveniences," says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed, killing their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't yet taken off!"
"Why?" Putin asks him.
"Ah, Mr. President, I can't take these time differences! I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Well, these are just minor inconveniences," says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed, killing their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't yet taken off!"
Last edited:
