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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
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Best place for this, I think. It's not a joke but it is funny. It's true.
Our friend up in Lichfield was about to take her dog out for a walk and wondered if she needed a rain coat so she asked Alexa and Alexa said "There is no rain in Burntwood" Our friend went out without a raincoat and was hit by a snow and hail storm. She got back home very wet. She was annoyed with Alexa and out of interest asked if there was going to be snow. "There is no snow in Burntwood" Our friend said "Alexa, it's snowing in Brentwood"
Alexa said "Woooooh.... Make a snowman"
Our friend up in Lichfield was about to take her dog out for a walk and wondered if she needed a rain coat so she asked Alexa and Alexa said "There is no rain in Burntwood" Our friend went out without a raincoat and was hit by a snow and hail storm. She got back home very wet. She was annoyed with Alexa and out of interest asked if there was going to be snow. "There is no snow in Burntwood" Our friend said "Alexa, it's snowing in Brentwood"
Alexa said "Woooooh.... Make a snowman"
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Oh sh1t!
Toddler freed from toilet training seat stuck round head
A fire crew comes to the infant's rescue after his head got lodged in the potty.
www.bbc.co.uk
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Old fella goes to the doctor and asks for a once over.
The doctor asks how old he and why
Man says “i’m 84 and getting married and just wanted to check things are still working ok”
After a going over, the doctor pronounces him AOK
“ How old is the lucky lady.” The doctor asks
26 the fella replies
“Well says the doc, get a lodger to keep the lady occupied”
About a year later, the doc and the old fella meet up in the street by chance
“ How goes it.” Asks the doctor
“Fine” says the old fella, “And the wife’s pregnant”
“Oh my gosh” says the doc, “thats marvellous. And hows the lodger?
“Shes pregnant too” says the old fella
The doctor asks how old he and why
Man says “i’m 84 and getting married and just wanted to check things are still working ok”
After a going over, the doctor pronounces him AOK
“ How old is the lucky lady.” The doctor asks
26 the fella replies
“Well says the doc, get a lodger to keep the lady occupied”
About a year later, the doc and the old fella meet up in the street by chance
“ How goes it.” Asks the doctor
“Fine” says the old fella, “And the wife’s pregnant”
“Oh my gosh” says the doc, “thats marvellous. And hows the lodger?
“Shes pregnant too” says the old fella
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It’s the usual pizza delivery career progression - before that you’re just an MSC - mucky scooter cleaner…….