The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the tird one?" asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
 
As a trucker stops at a red traffic light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next set of traffic lights.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says:
"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter the roads are icy and I am gritting the roads."
 
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I know the feeling...
 
3 Mustalids are sitting in a bar,
The barman asks what are you guys drinking?
The Mink says I'll have a Black Russian, its goes with my coat colour and the colour of my heart.
The Badger says, as I'm black and white, its Guinness for me.
And what about the little fella at end of the bar inquires the barman ?.
Wait for it
Wait
wait
wait
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
POP, goes the Weasel.
 
Cobra said:
3 Mustalids are sitting in a bar,
The barman asks what are you guys drinking?
The Mink says I'll have a Black Russian, its goes with my coat colour and the colour of my heart.
The Badger says, as I'm black and white, its Guinness for me.
And what about the little fella at end of the bar inquires the barman ?.
Wait for it
Wait
wait
wait
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
POP, goes the Weasel.
Click to expand...


You missed out Tarka! He had a Bloody Mary with extra Tabasco and L&P - he likes them a little 'otter...
:coat:
 
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welshwizard645 said:
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the tird one?" asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
Click to expand...
Following a shipwreck, three survivors are washed up on an island, one sailor, the ship's dog, and the ship's pig.
The sailor starts feeling desperate and makes a move on the pig, but every time he tries, the dog goes for him.
Then he sees a raft, so he wades out, and brings it onshore. A beautiful girl has collapsed on it.
He revives her, and cooks her a meal.
Afterwards, she looks at him intently and says "I'm so grateful that you rescued me, that I will do anything for you.........anything that you want"
So he gets a length of rope and says "Do me a favour, and take that damned dog for a walk!"
 
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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
 
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