The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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A guy dies, and his widow is at the funeral home making arrangements.

"I'd like to have him buried in a blue suit, please" she says to the director.

"What's the matter with the black suit he was brought in with?" the director asks. "It's a very nice suit."

"It's a personal reason" she says. "If you could arrange it I'll be very appreciative, and pay whatever it takes."

"Well the funeral is tomorrow so I can't make any promises, but I'll see what I can do" he says.

The next morning the widow shows up for the viewing, walks down the aisle to the coffin, and sees her husband laid out wearing a beautiful blue suit. After the ceremony she thanks the director and asks what she owes him.

"Actually, you don't owe me anything" he says. "As luck would have it, right after you left last night another woman came in. Her husband had just died, and he was brought in wearing a blue suit. I asked her if she wouldn't mind if he were buried in a black suit instead. She didn't have any objections, so I switched their heads."
 
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After arresting me the one cop asked me quite politely why I thought it was OK to 85mph in a 30mph zone?
I told him "last week my wife ran off with a traffic cop, I thought you were bringing her back."
 
After the voting for the new Tory leader was announced I was left trying to work out which is worse -

that the Tory MPs think Boris Johnson is the best option for leader, or that they think Jeremy Hunt is the second best.

Dave
 
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Man boards a train under the influence with lipstick smeared down his face and collar. He lurches into a compartment occupied by a priest, lurches as he sits down, bumping the priest before getting a newspaper out of his pocket and noisily turning the pages
He turns to the priest and asks "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
Annoyed, the priest replies. "I'll tell you. Booze, consorting with loose women and having contempt for your fellow man"
"Well, I never" was the reply, before returning to read the paper
After a while, the priest asks "How long have you been diagnosed with arthritis?"
"Not me, Father, according to this paper the Pope has!"
 
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