The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A Polish man, a German guy, and an American dude, climb a mountain because they each want to make a wish from the genie on the top. When they make it to the top, they find the lamp and all rub it. The genie appears and says, "For your wish to be granted, you must yell it out while you are jumping off of this mountain." So the German jumps off and yells, "I wish to be a fighter plane!" "So be it," the genie says, and the German becomes a plane. The American jumps off and yells, "I wish to be an eagle!" "So be it," the genie says, and the American becomes an eagle and flies away. The Polish man runs to the edge, accidentally trips on a rock, and yells, "I wish to b- oh S**t!"
 
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A manager, his secretary and a junior member of staff find an old lamp in the car park. So they take it in turns to clean it up, and the genie inside offers each one a wish
So the secretary says "Me first", I want to be in Barbados with my personal masseuse" A puff of magic light, and she's gone.
The junior member says "Me next, on my speedboat in the Bahamas" Another puff of magic light, he's gone as well
The manager says "I want those two back here after lunch"
Moral - always let the boss go first
 
Two men from Dublin are walking to the annual Dublin Fair, when it starts to rain. "Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining." "I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it." "Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?" "I didn't think it would rain."
 
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A correction. The engineers arrived and designed an excellent road surface, then the accountants arrived, decided that the engineers were spending far too much money and cut their budget in half.

Double correction. And then the council bosses took that 50% saving and diverted it into their salaries and pensions, and oh how they laughed....
 
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mummy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!”

this reminds me of one of my daughters on holiday who had just bought a venison steak burger and was explaining to her brother it was deer, he said i know everything is expensive round here she said no it's DEER, he said I KNOW there not cheap, she said there bambi burgers you idiot .
the guy who had just served her the burger was laughing his tits off

true story :)
 
If there's a venison burger on the menu, I'll often have it and always ask for a Bambi burger when I do.
 
An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn't wearing his watch. A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree. The American approaches the Mexican and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what time is?" The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, "4:30." The American asks, "How do you know that?" The Mexican replies, "Well you get a handful of the donkeys balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street."
 
An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn't wearing his watch. A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree. The American approaches the Mexican and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what time is?" The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, "4:30." The American asks, "How do you know that?" The Mexican replies, "Well you get a handful of the donkeys balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street."

 
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