The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )


Good solution :). I once had a car repaired at a ‘back street garage’ -- can’t remember what, exhaust maybe - seemed OK. Sometime later I found he’d clamped two parts together with a mole wrench, which was hanging down under the car :(.
 
Was watching the news last night when something interesting occurred to me. What with Gerard Houlier, Barbara Windsor, Sean Connery and Eddie Van Halen, is it my imagination or do famous people die more often than ordinary people? Never have I seen the news when it’s been reported- “ today, retired bread delivery man Walter Scrimshaw passed away at his home in Doncaster. He was seventy eight”. This ‘fame’ business isn’t all its cracked up to be!
( p.s.please do not share this post, in case it should make me famous. I have booked a weekend away in Blackpool in February and would hate to pop my clogs before then. The B&B is paid for and non refundable).
 
Blackpool in February has one of the highest death rates in the UK.
If it’s a dirty weekend the chance of dying on return is very high.
 
Was watching the news last night when something interesting occurred to me. What with Gerard Houlier, Barbara Windsor, Sean Connery and Eddie Van Halen, is it my imagination or do famous people die more often than ordinary people? Never have I seen the news when it’s been reported- “ today, retired bread delivery man Walter Scrimshaw passed away at his home in Doncaster. He was seventy eight”. This ‘fame’ business isn’t all its cracked up to be!
( p.s.please do not share this post, in case it should make me famous. I have booked a weekend away in Blackpool in February and would hate to pop my clogs before then. The B&B is paid for and non refundable).
One of the interesting things to look out for when actors die is that they get other actors in to make tributes but they nearly always (it seems) end up talking more about themselves :).
 
One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”
His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00.”
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks…….
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better. e
 
An Italian, a Mexican, and a redneck construction worker were sitting on top of their construction site during their lunch break. When the Italian opened his lunch, he said, "Dammit! If I get spaghetti again, I'mma gonna jump off this building anda kill myself." The Mexican opened his lunch and said, "Dammit! If I get tacos again, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself." The redneck also opened his lunch and said, "Dammit! If I get another damn hamburger, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself." The next day they all got the same thing in their lunchboxes and killed themselves. At the funeral, the three widows were at the graves crying. The Italian widow said, "I'm so sad because I forgot to pack him something else!" The Mexican widow sobbed, "I did the same thing!" The redneck's wife said, "That damn idiot packed his own lunch!"
 
My friend said that I don't understand irony, which was ironic really because we were standing at a bus stop.
 
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A man is at the bar, blind drunk. Some of the customers decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the floor and drag him out of the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car, and he falls down four more times. They ring the doorbell and a woman answers. “Here’s your husband!” “Thanks,” says the man’s wife. “What did you do with his wheelchair?”
 
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