The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and
room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the
nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I
have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.

Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and
her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged
tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything"
 
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The Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business .
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia.
Ruled by a pair of nuts!
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
 
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My phone rang, so I answered it.

A voice at the other end said "I'm the dandy highway man who you're too scared to mention. I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention!".

I told him he had the wrong number - but he was adamant.
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Apologies.................Only those of a certain age will get that one
 
Mountkeen said:
My phone rang, so I answered it.

A voice at the other end said "I'm the dandy highway man who you're too scared to mention. I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention!".

I told him he had the wrong number - but he was adamant.
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Apologies.................Only those of a certain age will get that one
Click to expand...


I scrolled down expecting to find one of these

:coat:

TAXI!
 
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Must be nearly suspenders panties and a bra time... :D
 
Family fortunes answers 4

real wrong and funny family fortunes answers

The funniest and best list of Family Fortunes answers. (Contestants from the ITV Family Fortunes game-show are asked to guess the most popular answers to questions posed in a survey.) Family Fortunes is still shown on TV and remains a rich source of hilariously funny answers like these below.

family fortunes answers
A job that a working dog does: "A slave.."

Something people might be allergic to: "Skiing.."

An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar.."

A well known superstition: "Running in front of a car.."

Something you use a microchip in: "A fish-fryer.."

A dangerous race: "The Arabs.."

A game played in the dark: "Charades.."

Some famous brothers: "Bonnie and Clyde.."

A jacket potato topping: "Jam.."

A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.."

Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.."

A famous royal: "Mail.."

Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.."

An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.."

An animal you see at the zoo: "Dog.."

Something you might do in a power cut: "Read a book.."

A famous Parisian landmark: "Hawaii.."

One of Harry Enfield's characters: "Sooty.."

A famous Irishman: "Disraeli.."

The first place detectives look for fingerprints: "The floor.."

Something you associate with the sea: "A coffin.."

A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.."

A type of cut: "Skull.."

A weapon in the game of Cluedo: "Dice.."

Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.."

A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.."
 
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I was amused by something I heard on the news yesterday.

It was a good illustration of how your usual interpretation of a word does not apply everywhere.

The news item was about an increase in COVID19 cases in Melbourne and the imposition of new restrictions. The item ended with, "Now about five million Victorians are preparing for a new lockdown"

Dave
 
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Suddenly, the man realised his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords. It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He'd ask me for assistance."

Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'? The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.

The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness,

" l believe, Your Holiness that you're looking for the word, ' aunt ' "

"Of course!" the Pope declared, ...."Do you have an eraser?"
 
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