The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I got home from a short walk this morning and as I was opening the door the woman who lives opposite walks across the street.

‘Hi. I can’t take this social distancing any longer.’ She says
‘It is getting difficult’ I reply nervously. Still surprised at the fact she came over to talk.

‘I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk and get intimate. Are you doing anything tonight?’ She asks
‘No..no..I’m free!’ I tell her


‘Great!...Could you look after my dog while I'm away??
 


(There must be a way to put the video on here. ButI don’t know how)
 
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An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains. As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead p*ssy." The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."
 
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch...
 
The only vehicle I've felt more exposed in (than a Smart) was a small van (Bedford IIRC) which felt like my legs were sticking out a foot in front of the bumper.
 
Must be the potholes (or "Trot on!")...


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kennethwfd said:
That reminds me of a conversation at a recovery garage
Click to expand...
True story time...

Wife sold her Reliant Regal to a local garage. We watched as they attached a piece of rope between the 3-wheeler and their van. The van drove off with no-one behind the Regal's wheel. We watched as the van turned the corner and the Regal continued onwards, with predictable results.

Good job we'd insisted on cash!
 
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Selfies? (Like post #24,349...)
 
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