The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Donald Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes straight to Hell where the Devil is waiting.

The devil says, "You're on my list but I have no room for you, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thinks that sounds pretty good so agrees.

The devil takes him to a room. In it is Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He keeps diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over, such is his fate in Hell.

"No!" Trump says. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil leads him to the next room. In it is George W Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he does is swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"

The Devil opens a third door. Trump sees Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor; arms staked over his head and legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looks at this in disbelief and finally says, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiles, "Monica, you're free to go!"
 
Mountkeen said:
Donald Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes straight to Hell where the Devil is waiting.

The devil says, "You're on my list but I have no room for you, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thinks that sounds pretty good so agrees.

The devil takes him to a room. In it is Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He keeps diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over, such is his fate in Hell.

"No!" Trump says. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil leads him to the next room. In it is George W Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he does is swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"

The Devil opens a third door. Trump sees Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor; arms staked over his head and legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looks at this in disbelief and finally says, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiles, "Monica, you're free to go!"
Click to expand...


Very good.

Though I was laughing just after reading the first sentence.
 
The Oval Office
Presidential aide goes in to see Trump

A-Good Morning Sir

T -Good Morning, did you sleep well

A-Yes thank you sir , I had a wonderful dream

T-Tell me about it

A-Well sir, you were at the centre of a wonderful parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.
The road was lined with servicemen and women in full dress uniform, there were 10’s of thousands of people all cheering and waving flags.
Heads of State from all over the world were there and the parade was broadcast live by all the networks.
T-Was I happy and smiling

A-Don’t know sir, the coffin lid was closed.

From the Washington Post reader comments.
 
I've just heard there will be a round of applause for courier delivery drivers.

It could be between anytime between 9am and 5pm tomorrow...
 
Why are the Chinese terrible at cricket?


cos they ate all the bats.
 
Today i saw a young guy with a cart full of toilet paper in the grocery store. I got so angry about his selfishness i confronted him and just let him have it calling him every name in the book.
When i finished he calmly asked " can i help you with anything or can i go back to stocking Up the shelfes"
 
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