The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Whilst in Asda earlier with the wife, I picked up a box of 24 cans of Stella "put them back, we can't afford them", " but they're on offer only £10" I replied. A few aisles later she picks up a £20 jar of face cream, "what are you doing ?" I said, "it makes my face look beautiful" she says. so I told her "yeah, well so does 24 cans of Stella and they're half the price". I'm having the stitches removed a week weds.
 
For the fickwut caravanners heading down the M5...

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Decided to do some reading again to keep my old brain as active as possible.
Here are a few words that I read today which have had a big influence on me, “Intense in colour with purple hues. Strong aroma with hints of ripe fruit and jam that blend together with the bouquet of spices and vanilla. Ideal for starters and main meal dishes”.
 
Well, I'm in the Hospital
This has not been a good morning. After spending the last two weeks quarantined inside the house, I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in many months. It turned out to be a horrible big mistake!
I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the saddle stirrup, the horse was then dragging me. The horse just would not stop.
Thankfully the manager at Asda came out and unplugged the machine. He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins so I wouldn't try to ride the Elephant...
 
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