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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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- Toni
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- Toni
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Hoping she will be well cared for, a family puts their frail elderly mother into a nursing home.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and put her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies, "Except they won't let you fart."
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and put her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies, "Except they won't let you fart."
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- Toni
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- Toni
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- Messages
- 23,529
- Name
- Toni
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- Messages
- 23,529
- Name
- Toni
- Edit My Images
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- Messages
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- Toni
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- Toni
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- Toni
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Husband’s call to his wife:
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."
Wife’s Response:
"Who the f… is Paula?"
And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."
Wife’s Response:
"Who the f… is Paula?"
And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
Nod
Tootles
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On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
Steep
Nutcrack Rapids
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Two old ladies are sitting at a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp.
The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom and that you can buy it at a pharmacy. The 2nd old lady thanks her and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.
Sure enough, a few days later she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says “Young man, I would like to buy a condom please”. The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies “Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before… um. What size do you need?”
The old woman pauses, then replies “I need one that will fit a camel”.
The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom and that you can buy it at a pharmacy. The 2nd old lady thanks her and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.
Sure enough, a few days later she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says “Young man, I would like to buy a condom please”. The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies “Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before… um. What size do you need?”
The old woman pauses, then replies “I need one that will fit a camel”.
