The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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the black fox said:
Surely that should be a bull ,unless of course under EEC regulations it's going through a gender re-assignment course
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I'm fairly sure that the male gender doesn't have a monopoly on masturbation. Of course, if you want to dissect the joke further, it could be pointed out that cows rarely go to slaughter for beef - neither do bulls for that matter! Tends to be bullocks that go for beef and since a bullock is a castrated animal, I doubt it would have much interest in masturbation. Besides, them hooves can be sharp!!!
 
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker!'.

He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'
 
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied...

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something
and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'


'It hurts when I pi$$ out of it,' he replied.
 
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish get the better of him so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.
Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Not amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:
"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"
 
I think this might have been the same zoo :)

A bloke was starting his first day as a zookeeper and was shocked to learn he’d have to go into the lion’s enclosure.
He asked an older keeper what to do if the lions approached him.
“Oh that’s easy,” the older keeper said. “Just hold your hand up and say ‘Stop’ in a firm voice.”
“What if they don’t stop?”
“In that case, take a step backwards and hold your hand up and say ‘Stop’ in a firm voice.”
“But what if they keep on coming?”
“Take another step back and tell them to stop again>”
“But what do I do if there’s no room to move backwards?”
“In that case, you throw s*** at them.”
“What if there isn’t any?” asked the nervous newcomer.
“Don’t worry, there’ll be plenty.”
 
Gremlin said:
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As seen at the Aptera beach bar just West of Chania. However, since a camera shutter going off near a public karzi can never be a good thing, I didn't take a shot of it! (The shot posted is of a similar sign at a different location.)
 
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