The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Cobra said:
Another waste of a good kitchen ...
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Actually - I went to the fat duck this year - been putting it off as it's so expensive, £265 for the meal, £155 if you have the tasting wines to go with it (per head).

What you do get is a 5 hour long dining experience that I can say is up there in my top memorable meals.
 
Byker28i said:
£265 for the meal, £155 if you have the tasting wines to go with it (per head).
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Some people have more money than sense :p


A good dining experience is having the family round for a home cooked meal or BBQ, generally lasts at least 5 hours,
And costs a fraction of the price for circa 20 people (y)
 
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Cobra said:
Some people have more money than sense :p


A good dining experience is having the family round for a home cooked meal or BBQ, generally lasts at least 5 hours,
And costs a fraction of the price for circa 20 people (y)
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Sir could use his Heston BBQ - only £1500 D
Everdure-by-Heston-Blumenthal-The-HUB-BBQ.jpg
 
DorsetDude said:
Why did the baker have brown hands?
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Something to do with Kneading a poo no doubt :rolleyes:

And that leads nicely on to an oldie but goodie

A little boy goes up to his dad and says: "Dad, where does poo come from?" Dad explains that food enters the mouth and passes down the oesophagus to the stomach. There are digestive enzymes that induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before the waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as "poo." "Crikey!" says the little boy, "and what about Tigger?"
 
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Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.


I've got lots of these as I used to be a chef. Used to be, I got fired from my job for stealing kitchen equipment. It was a whisk I was willing to take.
 
Byker28i said:
(y)

The difference between a £20 meal and a £100 meal?
Your wedding anniversary
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Perhaps if I'd taken her out, instead of cooking a slap up meal, I'd still be married ....

On second thoughts I made the right call (y)

:D
 
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

They had a wonderful time. He stays for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.

Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . ."You just happened to catch my eye."
 
Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?
No sir, it's Google's Pizza.
Did I dial the wrong number?
No sir, Google bought the pizza store.
Oh, alright - then I’d like to place an order please.
Do you want the usual?
The usual? You know what my usual is?
According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.
Okay - that’s what I want this time too.
May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?
No, I hate vegetables.
But your cholesterol is not good.
How do you know?
Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest – I already take medicine for high cholesterol.
But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased a box of only 30 tablets.from Drugsale Network
I bought more from another drugstore.
It's not showing on your credit card sir.
I paid in cash.
But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.
I have another source of cash.
This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.
WHAT THE HELL? ENOUGH!
I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp.
I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me ...
 
If you play a Justin Bieber song backwards you'll hear a message from Satan.

Worse still, if you play it forwards you'll hear Justin Bieber.
 
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