The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Tish! Da-dum?
 
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting... and snot is going everywhere!
First Bull: “Son, don’t be foolish – let him have some of your cows and you'll live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making damn sure he knows I’m a BULL.”
 
Nod said:
If there's a venison burger on the menu, I'll often have it and always ask for a Bambi burger when I do.
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I few years ago I was out with a mate and asked for a Mr Ed and fries. Took her a few seconds to get it but got a laugh. Harmless fun!
 
Tori_T said:
Don't forget "Watership Down: You've seen the film, you've read the book, now try the pie."
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I prefer stifado to pie. :)
 
Mr Badger said:
What do you call a scruffy looking cat that's just eaten a mallard?

A duck-filled tatty pus!

Thankyaverymuch, I'm here all week. :) :coat:
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I'll pay your bus fare outta here!
 
An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan." Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan." When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India.
 
First thing I looked for (y)
As I knew the ears were a distraction :D
 
Kid in the background looks like a young Harry Hewitt!
 
Three couples arrive at the Pearly Gates seeking admission

St Peter looks up the credentials of the first couple and shakes his head "Money, money, all your life you worshipped money. Even your wife had to be called Penny"
To the second couple, he says "You are no better, you worshipped the bottle, even your wife had to be called Sherry"
The third man turns to his wife and says "Come on Fanny, we don't stand a chance here!"
 
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