The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Two doctors are on a golf course at the tenth hole. One of them looks up in the trees and sees an owl asleep on a branch. One doctor says to the other, "I'll bet you $100 I can give that owl a vasectomy and that owl won't even wake up." The other doctor says, "You've got a bet." The first doctor climbs up the tree, does the operation, and comes down from the tree. The owl never wakes up. The second doctor, not to be outdone, says, "I bet you the same that I can give that owl a tonsillectomy and he won't wake up." The second doctor climbs up the tree, does his operation, and the owl never wakes up. An hour later, the owl wakes up, flies to another tree, sees another owl and tells him, "Whatever you do, don't fall asleep in that tree by the tenth hole, because when I woke up after a nap, I couldn't hoot worth a f**k or f**k worth a hoot!"
 
My brother-in-law got an advent calendar for my sister. Bloody good swap IMO.
 
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,
Do you know why? Because none of us were allowed out,
Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,
Looked out of the window, what did I see?
A spread out group of six people, two sets of three,
What tier is it today, Tier 4 or Tier 3?
A new strain of Covid coming to a town near me,
Waiting for Santa to slide down my chimney,
Cause let's face it i'm all alone & my friends can't celebrate with me,
Santa finally came! What did he bring?
A sack full of vaccines, some toilet paper and things,
He came prepared with extra handwash in his stocking,
Because he knew that Boris was keeping us locked in,
We sat and we cheered opening presents all night!
As we talked and reminisced about this year's cancelled flights,
Up on the roof, his red nosed reindeer was seated,
Keeping his distance by approximately 2 metres,
Soon it became time, for Santa Claus to go,
He could only stay til 10pm under new rules on Tier 4,
He flew up my chimney I said, "When will you be back?"
He replied 'Hopefully in a year's time if some **** doesn't try to eat a bat!"
 
The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.
“Now what about the butler” the rich woman said?
“A set of wine glasses” the maid suggested?
The woman frowned icily.
“He doesn’t really need that. A butler never entertains. He’ll get a tie”.

The maid grimaced, but said only, “What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl”?
The woman frowned again. “She doesn’t really need a new dress. She’ll only get in trouble. We’ll get her another apron”.

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer’s arrogance when they reached her husband.

“I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam”? the maid replied.
“Of course”, the woman replied.
“Then what about three more inches”? said the maid.
 
He also said "Imagine all those people"!
 
A wife saw her husband weigh himself on the scale trying to pull in the stomach. The wife thought he was trying to reduce his weight on the scale. So she said, "You know, I don't think that will help you." The husband replies, "Of course it helps. It is the only way I can see the number on the scale."
 
A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his one to 10 well. "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me, even more than 10!" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four." "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now, what comes after, let's say 10?" "A jack."
 
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