The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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So aliens come to earth and they're sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're still waiting for his second coming!"

The alien replies, "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?"

The Pope is flabbergasted, "What does chocolate have to do with anything?"

The alien says, "Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?
 
Three guys are stranded on a remote island when a native appears out of nowhere and says, "I will grant you one weapon with which to kill yourself so I can make a boat out of your skins." The first guy wishes for a pistol, shoots himself, and dies. The second guy does the same, but the third guy wishes for a fork, stabs himself everywhere, and says, "Ha! Try making a boat out of that!"
 
An extremely obese man with severe stomach pains goes to see a doctor. He can hardly stand, the pain is so bad. After an examination, the doctor is holding the x-rays and asks, "Did you at one time swallow a bullet?" The man answers, "Swallow a bullet? Of course not!" The doctor replies, "Well then, I'm afraid you've been shot!"
 
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A wife saw her husband weigh himself on the scale trying to pull in the stomach. The wife thought he was trying to reduce his weight on the scale. So she said, "You know, I don't think that will help you." The husband replies, "Of course it helps. It is the only way I can see the number on the scale."
 
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Not a joke but a real conversation from yesterday.

Roger. "What do you want to do today hun?"

Clare. " Have an argument"

Roger "but I don't want to have an argument"

Clare " see you never want to do what I want to do"
 
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Not unknown for me to do a 400 mile round trip for a couple of pints of squash! Well, it was some years ago but a fairly regular occurrence!
 
A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his one to 10 well. "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me, even more than 10!" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four." "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now, what comes after, let's say 10?" "A jack."
 
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