The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

G.K.Jnr. said:
A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."
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The trouble with cutting and pasting these jokes from foreign websites is grammar is very often wrong .. you cannot have a pair of underwear but you can have a pair of underpants ....
 
the black fox said:
The trouble with cutting and pasting these jokes from foreign websites is grammar is very often wrong
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And I fell out of my pram laughing at most of them too :D
 
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Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*tch." He asks his mum what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "s**t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*****g" and asks his mum what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*tch. There's s**t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*****g!"
 
There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"
 
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
 
Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
 
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A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar." Johnny asks, "Why?" His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!" The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman. He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"
 
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."
 
Three old timers at the retirement home were complaining about growing old. The first one says, "I wake up at 7:00 AM and try for a half hour to take a poop." The second one says, "Oh yeah? I spend an hour trying to pee." The third one says, "I take a nice poop at 7:00 AM and about 7:30 AM take a nice pee." The other two guys look at him and ask, "What are you complaining about?" The third man explains, "I don't wake up till 8:30 AM."
 
G.K.Jnr. said:
A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar." Johnny asks, "Why?" His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!" The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman. He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"
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A variation of this....

Little boy won't stop sucking his thumb. The family try everything they can think of, but he keeps on sucking his thumb
Travelling by bus, mother says in exasperation, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, you'll end up like....she sees a pregnant woman and points at her....like that lady there."
Success. boy stops sucking his thumb, but is now staring at pregnant woman. She notices this and asks "Why are you staring at me?"
"Because I know how you got to be like that!"
 
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