The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I was walking past a pet shop. A sign in the shop said, ‘Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.’

I didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands so I went in and asked the assistant “How Dutch is that moggie in the window?”
 
Please note - these aren't supposed to be a political attack but a personal one on the soon to be ex(?) PM.

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But this one does explain a lot!!!

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And a couple more in the same vein...

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As some of you may know I do some Tarot reading as a sideline.
Last night a young lady said, “Before I cross your palm with silver I’d like to know what qualifications you have”.
I told her that I didn’t have any qualifications but that I had acquired my gift as I came from a long line of mediums.
Except from my mother, of course, she was an extra large ….
 
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I’m looking for somewhere to stay temporarily while I recover from a rather nasty injury that happened just before I became homeless.
What happened was my wife told me to go to the chemist’s and get some of those pills that might reawaken the part that has been inactive for a while now.
So I did and the last thing I seem to remember was handing her the big box of slimming pills ….
 
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice." The man then asks, "So where is George Bush's clock?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"
 
G.K.Jnr. said:
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice." The man then asks, "So where is George Bush's clock?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"
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BoJo's on his tenth...
 
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(I think the above meme first appeared with Blair as the liar...)
 
At the moment!
 
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